Shame meet Mercy

As I'm sitting here reading I'm struck by the story Brene shares about her own experience with shame and shame resilience. She shares about this situation in which someone posts a comment on her blog criticizing a picture of Brene being silly with her friend. Brene, through going for a walk to cool down and processing with a friend, realizes that her initial reaction to shame is to hurt back and that the courageous thing for her to do is acknowledge her hurt feelings and allow herself to cry. Her friend exclaims "oh my god! That's shame resilience, right? You're practicing courage." And Brene, God love her, is initially confused; so her friends clarifies, reminding Brene of the four elements of shame resilience: name it, talk about it, own your story, tell the story... You know, that stuff you wrote a book about?! Both start laughing and Brene thinks to herself "holy crap, it works."  

I just loved that Brene, who has spent years researching shame and vulnerability, didn't immediately recognize what was happening or even recognize that she was using the skills she identified to be effective. It's a good reminder that head knowledge doesn't automatically change us. We still have to learn ourselves and wrestle to fight shame differently. This was encouraging to me today; to see it as a process, even for a woman I'd admire who's an expert on the subject. 

Today, I had a shame moment. I failed to act in the best interest of the client - not in a serious, life-threatening way, but a missed opportunity to advocate.  The failure to show up, I think mostly stemmed more from me being caught off guard, being fixated on preparing for the next appointment, and also not believing that I brought any value or had any authority to address the situation.  It had no intended reflection on the needs or importance of that client, but resulted from my own brokenness and struggle to adapt to a new system. 

After the client left and I failed at being able to reach her, and another service coordinator processed some of her frustration on behalf of the client, the shame tapes just started rolling. "Cassie, you're not a good social worker. You don't take it personal; you're not upset enough on behalf of your client. You don't belong in this role."  And I get paranoid. I think people are talking about the situaton and evaluating my response, or lack there of.  I feel embarrassed and incompetent.  And my reaction to shame is first I want to cry, run and hide. Then I want to hustle; know all the things I need to do or say in any given situation and do it perfectly.  I have no grace for myself. I don't like the discomfort of learning and not feeling good at something. Yet I'm called to a season of embracing it and I'm brought into a culture where I can't hide from it. There's not some other arbitrary measure of success I can use to validate myself. I just have to sit in the fact that my case management skills are weak in some areas.

The reality is, I haven't ever really failed at something. I just haven't necessarily felt like I've thrived at anything. Part of which is due to not wanting to take risks for fear of failure and what that says about me.  But failure = learning, learning = growth. So, I guess it's time to start failing and learning to give myself grace in the process. 

 And so tonight I just want to keep listening to Bethel signing this song...

Courage, Compassion and Connection

As I indicated in my previous Gifts of Imperfection entry, Brown states that practicing courage, compassion and connection in our daily lives is the way we cultivate worthiness.  Okay, great...but what does that look like and what does it even mean to be courageous, have compassion, or what does it take to feel connected?  And as we have previously considered at my church, the meaning of words is important.  The definition we find in scripture is often quite different than the meaning the world gives.

(click here if you want to check out the series)

In beginning her research on Wholeheartedness, Brown noticed re-occurring themes of things to do or not do in order to cultivate worthiness:

Do:
worthiness. rest. play. trust. faith. intuition. hope. authenticity. love. belonging. joy. gratitude.

Don't:
perfection. numbing. certainty. exhaustion. self-sufficiency. being cool. fitting in. judgment. scarcity.

Talk about being authentic; Brown acknowledges that after discovering that she fell under the "Don't" list, she tucked away all of her research in effort to try to avoid this hard truth for over a year before wrestling through it.  In her being honest about this fact, I think it extends a lot of grace to readers who have similarly avoided facing the reality of their brokenness.  At least, I'm comforted in knowing that I am not alone in that. And then when she did finally go back to recognizing the current reality of her life, she sought a therapist and requested "tips and tools" on how to acquire more of the things on the "Do" list.  Is that not the response we all would have?  Especially in America. We want a quick and easy fix; we don't want to deal with the mess of the process. As I mentioned in the last entry, Brown refers to her process as a Breakdown Spiritual Awakening. She suggests this type of unraveling can occur at midlife or following other significant events, such as marriage, divorce, becoming a parent, recovery, moving, an empty nest, retiring, experiencing trauma or loss, or working in a soul-sucking job. I love her quote: "The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."  Boy, do I LOVE the snooze button. I mean that literally, but that's another issue.

As I consider journal entries from when I was in high school and perhaps even into college, I recognize that there has been a significant shift in knowing and accepting myself.  I recall reflecting upon an entry from my journal a couple years ago during A Journey Home that I had written about five years prior to the journey that was essentially a plea to feel known. I believe a huge part of feeling known greatly has to do with what Brown is writing about in this book in terms of being brave enough to love and show who you really are.  I know I lived in fear of this place for a long, long time.  But through seeking community, having others model vulnerability and experiencing that it's not so scary. I recognize areas of my life where I have certainly found freedom just to be.  In fact, if I reflect upon the "Do" list, there are a lot of those that are present in my life and in my relationships.

However, I'm beginning to recognize that there is a disconnect with being wholehearted in my relationship with God.  I don't think I'm afraid to face my own brokenness or be honest about who I really am when it comes to relationships with my friends, fiancé and, to an extent, with my family.  Yet, when it comes to facing the brokenness of others or the world, I'm a far cry from wholehearted.  There's a significant deficit in authenticity I share with the Lord.  I think I especially struggle with being honest with Him about how the brokenness in the world really affects me or makes me question who He is and question His power. Especially with all the brokenness I see on a daily basis in my job. And to be frank, my lack of authenticity with God, in this area particularly, impacts my authenticity at work with my coworkers and my clients, which I believe ultimately affects my effectiveness as a therapist. I think sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in other people's pain that we don't step back to really consider the level of influence we have. Or it is incredibly difficult to empathize to the point of getting the weightiness of what they're carrying in order to encourage from a place of truth and validation. I know I am SO GUILTY of operating out of my flesh and going through the motions when it comes to helping people, which is awful. And I believe this is hugely attributed to the lack of courage I have to submit these things to God and to seek His compassion and understanding. 

So, let's journey on Brown...

#lovewins

A disclaimer: I don't have a strong opinion about this one way or the other. Nor is it my mission to change people's minds. I'm merely processing thoughts.

If I'm completely transparent, I had no idea the U.S. Supreme Court was even considering a change in stance on "same sex marriage." This isn't really surprising, however, as I don't turn on the local news or follow anything political. Maybe that makes me a bad citizen, but I'm not here to judge and I hope you'll do the same. Mostly what has me even contemplating this topic is the post after post on Facebook sharing news articles about the ruling and the rainbow overlays on people's profile pictures.

I kind of love this photo I saw posted on Brene Brown's FB page (I'm a fan of hers in general). When I think about my journey with the Lord, #lovewins could easily sum it up. God gives us complete freedom and with that comes an endless amount of joy and pain. And in the midst of bad decisions, perhaps even decisions I knew I shouldn't be making, God loved me in spite of them. He offered grace and truth and I have felt most loved by people in my life who are also pursuing Him; who balanced grace with challenge when I wasn't engaging in God's best. By no means are any of us perfect, but I guess on some level, that's kind of what makes me sad about this whole equality in marriage issue. I get the super conservative, religious view of marriage. But I don't ever think that the best way to share your faith is through condemnation of another's belief or actions.

I guess this is where the whole separation of church and state comes in to play. While I may hold a different belief about God's design for marriage, it is not my place to judge anyone holding a different conviction. And to use God or the bible as a means to make people feel unloved and unaccepted, in my mind, is incredibly hurtful and a disservice to the lord. I think it irks me the same way people with signs standing outside of bars condemning drunkenness frustrate me. If your goal is to win people over to Christ, is it really working? I'd venture to say not.  #lovewins

Arguably, the world is always a better place when we seek to understand; when we offer a balance of truth and grace.  I don't think this court ruling is changing anything that isn't already happening in the world by giving equality in marriage. On the same token, I support the right of churches to hold a firm stance on whom they will perform a ceremony. (Heck, being in the premarital process at my church currently, I know they won't just marry any man and woman either.) And I know it is also not our place to condemn those who don't share the same belief.  I am not God and I don't have all the answers. What I do know is that committing your life to someone is hard and it takes an incredible amount of self-sacrifice, forgiveness, and enduring loyalty. I applaud anyone that can love that way.

The Gifts of Imperfection

I've fallen off the blog universe for quite some time and I've blogged about Brene Brown before, so I figured this was a good enough reason to take a stab at another entry.  I simply plan to record my thoughts and responses as I'm reading, so it could be a jumbled mess. I apologize in advance. 

First off, the cover of this book reminds me why I read actual books instead of reading on a Kindle or some other electronic device. I don't know what other way to describe it as other than almost velvety.  It reminds me of the cover to Greg Boyd's Letters From A Skeptic, and that book played a significant role in kick-starting my journey of reading the bible and trying to understand God for myself. So if this cover is any indicator, this book is about to rock my world. And if not, at least it will feel really nice on my fingertips.

As I begin to embark upon the journey of reading Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, and the journey of "letting go of who I think I'm supposed to be and embracing who I am," I'm comforted in knowing that half the battle has already been won for me. Her three things she says to bring along are: courage, compassion and connection - what she refers to as "the gifts of imperfection" that help for developing worthiness.  And worthiness being key to wholehearted living, because from worthiness we overcome shame and receive joy. So why is the battle already partially won? Well, because my worth does not need to be developed; it already exists and comes from my Heavenly Father.  I don't think this journey will be about mustering up these "gifts" for myself, but realizing that I already have them because they are in the image of my creator (and we're made in His image - see Genesis 1). I think this will be a journey of receiving the beauty and worth of my imperfection on a deeper level and as a result more fully receiving and functioning in the gifts/fruits of the Spirit.  Okay, so that may not be much different than what Brown is talking about here and is probably why her therapist called the journey leading up to the writing of this book a "spiritual awakening."

Anyways, moving on... [edited]
I started reading this book several months ago and then fell away from it. So I'm starting all over from the beginning, and the first quote that stands out to me this time is: 

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."  

Yes, please. I want to be brave. I want to face all that is broken and uncertain and to love every piece of it; to embrace that which is broken as an opportunity for healing and redemption; an opportunity for more joy. 

It's crazy how you can miss so many little things the first time reading through something and here I am being hit in the face with the first two sentences in the Preface. The PREFACE.  

"Once you see a pattern, you can't un-see it."  

My mentor and Brene Brown must be kindred spirits. I wouldn't say that I am typically a seer of patterns. Maybe that's not an accurate assessment, but it's been my experience that it is often easier to "fix" someone else's problems than to recognize and address my own. Perhaps it's why I've become a therapist (that's a scary thought).  But I hope that the journey of reading this book will open my eyes to patterns in my own life.  And for anyone that I know who might be reading this and you see the patterns that I don't see, please feel free to smack me in the face with them.  But let's hope it doesn't come down to that. I prefer to do the smacking.

(now back to our regularly written entry) 

This is the first quote that stood out to me:

"We can talk about courage and love and compassion until we sound like a greeting card store, but unless we're willing to have an honest conversation about what gets in the way of putting these into practice in our daily lives, we will never change... Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

This last sentence is powerful for me, but I'd remove that last "our."  How many verses in the bible refer to the power of God being made known in our weakness or being told not to fear? (e.g. Isaiah 41:10; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; Lamentations 2:21-27; 2 Timothy 1:7; the list goes on and on) It's not the power of our light that is discovered, but the power of our Lord and Savior. It's when we let go of control and surrender our will, our doubt, our fear, our insecurity and choose to trust that Jesus is who he says he is, that we discover the power of the light. (These are just to cite a few of the many verses regarding God/Jesus being light)

• When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” - John 8:12 

• This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. - 1 John 1:5

•  You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light. - 2 Samuel 22:29

• The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? - Psalm 27:1  

• For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light - Ephesians 5:8

Alright, so I had intentions of making this one long entry in response to the entire book, but I've been blogging as I've been reading and including parallel verses from the Bible has made this entry a little longer than I anticipated.  So, I will likely post several different entries as I go through the book.  But I'm affirmed in the concept of the book as a whole and research that Brown has done because I believe wholehearted living is the same thing as fully living in the Spirit.  I think that will only become more evident as I continue to read and consider its application to my own life.  So, if this sounds remotely interesting to you, pick up the book and read along. :)

Post-Easter prayers

"The angel said to the women, 'Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: "He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him." Now I have told you.'" Matthew 28:5-7 (NIV)

• "Do not be afraid," - God, I hand over to You those things that make me so afraid. Resurrect the parts of my faith squelched by fear.

• "I know that you are looking for Jesus," - God, when my soul is searching, help me know the answer to every longing can be found in You.

• "He has risen," - God, the fact that Jesus is risen should lift my head, my heart and my attitude. Help me to live today as if I really believe this with every part of my life.

• "just as he said," - Jesus, You keep Your promises. Help me live as though I believe that with every part of me. Help me trust You more, obey You more and resemble You more.

• "Come and see," - Jesus, You had the angels invite the women in to see for themselves that You had risen. You invite me into these personal revelations every day. Forgive me for sometimes rushing about and forgetting to come and see for myself ... You, Your Word, Your insights.

• "Then go quickly and tell his disciples," - Jesus, I don't want to be a secret keeper with my faith. I want to be a bold and gracious truth proclaimer. For You. With You. Because of You. Me, the unwanted girl whom You loved, redeemed and wanted.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

(copyright http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/6-prayers-to-pray-the-week-after-easter/)

ashes to beauty

 

Tan Man, this is how I'll remember you. As the life of the party. Willing to dress or act as silly as possible to make others laugh. Always smiling, joking or sharing some random bit of knowledge about your latest interest. There's so much I don't understand. I have to remind myself that this is real. 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

in every change, He will remain.

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change, He will remain.
Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
To guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your mind, your will let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's joy restored.
Be still my soul, Be still my soul
And praise Him, and praise Him.