echo this prayer a thousand times over

i want to fall in love.
to prove that i can.
to prove that i can still feel something.
because i'm tired of being afraid and alone.
i'm tired of loving with restrictions.
because i'm expecting to receive love in return.
i want to be open to feeling and expressing every emotion that grips me.
and not be tormented when the right response isn't received.
i want to grow old with someone.
who will prove that all guys aren't the same.
to finally break down these walls.
i want to see the face of God.
to believe His love for me is real.
to express mine everyday.
i want to know my purpose.
and fully engage in God's plan.
i don't want to feel sad for not having this yet.
i want to be filled with anticipation and gratitude.
for the life i have yet to live.
for the impact i have yet make.
for the blessings i already have.
i want to be free.

I feel like my life is a little stagnant. I picture the person I want to be, but I make little effort in becoming her. I'm plagued by fear and self-doubt. Change comes slowly and inconsistently. I feel like i lack energy for myself and even for other relationships. In this moment I know i'm feeling it stronger than at other times and i know certain factors have lead to my present state of despair. i'm getting ready to start my last year of grad school, which means come June it's time to find a job and start a career. It terrifies me more than it excites me. i feel like i should have myself figured out, at least in this area. instead i feel just as clueless as ever before.

i've spent my life focused on what others are going to be expecting of me and what job i should be getting because i'll have my masters. it's so draining to worry about letting people down, when all my life i've tried to do whatever necessary to not be a disappointment; to be the reliable one. i know the people who love me really wouldn't care if my life took a different course, but i don't know how to let myself do that. it gets so frustrating. i need to just start taking steps toward the options that are most becoming to me and worry only about whether i'm living up to person i want and know i could be. i am forever my biggest critic. i desperately want to believe in my own worth for simply being who i am; whatever mistakes and flaws that might entail.

Owen <3

good friends with bad habits,
what am I to do?
they're literary romantics,
they fuck like wilde,
and indulge like hemingway.

i've good friends with bad habits
and a tendency towards negligence.
just petty thieves and addicts,
that don't hurt anyone
but they'll burn anyway.

well sometimes,
like every time
a train passes,
i get jealous of the long nights,
and blurred lights,
the red eyes,
the bar fights.
where in the hell am i?
and how did i get here?
and which way to the nearest train?

well sometimes,
like every time she breathes,
i embrace my routine.

i've good friends with bad habits.
what am i to do?
they're literary romantics,
they'll fuck like wilde,
and die like hemingway.