life or something like it

The past couple weeks or maybe months, I have been trying to get more involved with my church and meet new people to struggle on this journey of being a Christ follower.  Ironically, this has also been my poorest attendance at actual church services.  Granted I have watched some of the videos online or listened to the audio on my ipod, but it's not the same.  I think I'm starting to resent going to service alone, so a means of avoiding the fact that I share this with no one, I just don't go.  It's really a stupid thing and never used to bother me, but I guess it has been.  The simple solution would just be to simply ask someone to go or get my mom's butt out of bed on a Sunday morning to go with me, but we both lack motivation in that department.  Even though I've been learning and growing through these community groups, my one-on-one time with God has dwindled and I need to get back in the habit.  That sounds bad to say, but that's precisely what it is.  I need to discipline myself to read the bible, to attend church, to pray and all number of things before they become second nature and I can experience the joy that comes from it.  

A relationship with God is work; hard work.  All relationships are and we're fooling ourselves to think that this one should come easy.  We're asked to choose Him over other things in our life, that we may love, but are unhealthy for us or are not helping us to grow spiritually.  Who really wants to do that? Or even admit that certain beliefs or behaviors are problematic?  I know I don't, but I know that it's important to be self-aware and obedient to the things God is telling me.  I've felt resistance from the changes that I have tried to make in my life and it gets frustrating at times to the point where I just want to give up and go back to how I was living before.  But like anything else rewarding in life, I know I need to keep at it, do what I feel is right and be gracious to people who don't understand or who dislike the change.  It's a constant struggle.

Anyways, the next part of my journey involves reinvesting myself to the 20-something community group I briefly attended in the past.  They've revamped it, new name included, and I'm excited for things to get underway.  Crossroads does not have an embeded code on their videos so they can be easily shared, so you're getting the link to the facebook page instead.

In other news: today marks the 14 year anniversary of my dad's death.  I've never understood the use of the word anniversary in that sentence since it's certainly not a date to be celebrated.  I tweeted earlier that 14 years feels like a whole other lifetime and it really does feel like he was alive in an alternate reality.  I'm such a different person, not just age-wise, since he was in my life.  It's not difficult like it was; now it's more of a fact of life: "I had a father and he took his life when I was 10. end of story."  But there are definitely still times I wonder how life would have turned out if he were still here.  Would my parents still be together? I certainly would hope that his being alive would have saved her from the crappy relationships she's endured since his death.  Would my brother still have gotten involved with drugs?  Would I be any less afraid to open my heart to a man?  Certainly this feeling of abandonment, disappointment and lack of trust in males wouldn't be such a big issue.  I don't know.  I mean I know there's no sense on thinking about the 'what if's' or the 'would haves."

Regardless, today is not something we make a big to-do about in my family.  In fact, no one has even mentioned it.  I didn't visit my father's grave, but mostly because I know it's just a resting place for his body.  I miss him, I do, but the fact is he chose this.  Sick or not, he chose this to end his pain and he's in peace.  I don't really feel happy for him on that account because it's caused enough pain for me over the years, but I guess I'm ok with it.  But enough with all that, take a look at this studly man :)  Such an 80's look.  He definitely sported the short cutoff jeans and tube socks. 

 I still miss you dad and no matter how happy I am with my life, I'll always wish you were here to share it with.

You'll be back. When the hunger knows no reason.

I've been following a blog written by a girl from my church ever since the single's group ended.  Her name is Jill and she has been utilizing the blog to continue her journey and understanding how to live for God as a single woman.  Her latest entry she talks about God speaking to her in a unique, creative and affective way: through food. The great thing about the analogy that God used is that it can be applied to anything, although in her case it applied to romantic relationships.  Anyways, I just thought it was brilliant realization and has me thinking about how it applies to my life as well.  I've copied and pasted some of the parts that really struck a chord with me, but if you have the time and the interest, you should check out the whole entry.

A brief recap into what she's talking about: God basically tells her the dead end relationships she has entered into are like eating snacks as your main source of food.

These snacks taste good, and they seem to alleviate your hunger, but in reality, they’re not giving you the nutrition that you need in order to thrive. Now, it’s not bad to eat snacks once in a while, but when you’re relying on them as your primary source of sustenance, you’re going to run into problems. It’s like eating a candy bar for dinner. It may take the edge off your hunger, but it’s not going to sustain you.

You’ve assumed that you’re supposed to get the spiritual ‘food’ you need from a relationship. And, as a matter of fact, you’re right! It is a relationship that will give you life. But here’s the roadblock: You thought that relationship was with another person, when in fact, you’ve really been designed to get life and sustenance from a relationship with me. Feasting with me means getting to know me, finding your life in me, and living according to my plan. Ultimately, that’s the only relationship that will satisfy you. Everything else will leave you wanting more.”

God listened to me patiently, and then he responded with this: “Jill, your excuses seem logical, but choosing snacks over the feast always has consequences. First, eating snacks spoils your appetite. When your stomach isn’t growling so loudly anymore, you’re lulled into a false feeling of satisfaction, but in reality, you’re slowly starving because you aren’t eating from the source of life.

Another problem is that the feeling of fullness they provide doesn’t last. Snacks just make you want more and more. So if your life comes from advancing in your career, then each promotion you get will satisfy you temporarily, but it won’t be long before you’re looking for the next advancement. Or if your life comes from human relationships, then you’ll never be satisfied unless you’re in one, and even when you are, you’ll be working to hold onto it or to find a better one. Snacks provide temporary relief from hunger, but they don’t provide a permanent source of life.

But here’s the worst part: If all you eat is snacks, you’re going to get fat. But while you’re getting fat, the ironic thing is that you’re also starving to death. Although you’re taking in plenty of calories, they’re empty calories – not containing the nutrients that you need. So ultimately, if all you eat is snacks, you’re going to die. That’s why you feel the way you do right now – as if you’re living but not alive.

And I HATE seeing you feel that way! That’s why I said in Matthew 5:6, ‘Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.’ You see, the cure for your emptiness is to seek after me; not snacks. If you eat from my feast, you will be filled, even if it doesn’t happen in the way you might have expected it to.

I know it’s difficult. But it’s just like going on a diet. When you first cut out snacking, it’s all you can think about 24/7. But eventually things start to change. You start to enjoy your meals more because you’re not filling up on snacks ahead of time. Plus, you’re able to fit into your clothes, and you start to feel better and more energetic in general. And if you stick to it long enough, your cravings will start to change. Instead of dreaming of brownies, you might actually begin to want fruit. You could never force yourself to change your desires, but when you make the choice to eat healthier foods, your feelings and your hunger will eventually follow.

It’s the same way with my feast. It’s really hard to forgo the snacks when that’s where you’ve been trying to get your life for so long. And truthfully, you can’t make yourself hunger after me. But if you make the choice to go after me instead of the snacks, I’ll meet you where you are, and I’ll start to change things. You’ll actually begin to enjoy hungering after me and eating from my feast. Your life will ‘fit’ better, and you’ll start to feel more alive. When you make the choice to hunger after me, your feelings will follow. That’s what I meant when I said in John 6:27 & 35, ‘Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.’”

Seattle in pictures

Ok, so I figure it's about time I posted about my trip to Seattle, but I don't feel like typing everything out.  Just know that Seattle is a beautiful place and you need to visit.  I fall more in love with it every time I go.

Obviously, Pikes Place Market is a given.  It's always alive and a shopping place for both locals and tourists.  It was a beautiful day when we went, so there were people everywhere enjoying the day and shopping.

I had heard you could ride horses on the beach somewhere along the Olympic Peninsula.  We didn't end up doing that, but we did visit the beach.  We also stopped off in FORKS!  Any Twilight fans out there know what's up! Haha so I felt like the biggest dork going there because the town is in the middle of nowhere and has no other real attraction other than the fact the books take place there.  Let me tell you, Forks looks nothing like what the movies make it out to be; no where near as pretty.  And it didn't even rain!

I also attended my first major league soccer game.  I grew up playing soccer and did so all the way through high school, but I was never big on watching it on television.  Columbus has a MLS team, but I don't know anyone who goes to the games.  Well...it's HUGE in Seattle!  They have different fan clubs that have individual cheers/chants and hang out at specific bars; almost like friendly rivalry between people rooting for the same team.  Of course the one day it rained, we had to be standing outside for a couple hours and what do ya know, as soon as the game was over the rain stopped.  Haha such is Seattle weather, I suppose.  They made fun of me because I was one of the only people utilizing an umbrella, which screamed tourist.

Leavenworth was another road trip we took.  It's this cute little German town way up in the mountains.  Driving there I had no idea what to expect because there was zero civilization going up the mountain and we even passed through what looked like the dead of winter.  I remember thinking "great, I'm going to freeze my ass off."  But out of nowhere the mountain opens up and voila there's a town.  It's mostly a bunch of shops, restaurants and such.  There were some amazing views, too!

On my last day we did a tour of a local brewery after the Woodinville's annual parade and learned all about how beer is made (hops and whatnot).  The brewery we toured was Redhook and it was so much fun.  Our guide was hilarious and we got to try several of their signature beers.  My cousin and her husband actually went home and measured out the amount of alcohol our samples are equivalent to.  Basically, you pay $2 for the tour and get two full beers, plus an hour of entertainment.  Apparently brewery and winery tours are big out there.  I want to find one close to Cincy to take friends to.  I have a new found appreciation for beer and have been trying to broaden my horizons in regards to the types of beers I drink.  Miller lite seems kinda boring now; bring on the flavor!

So these are nowhere near all of the photos I took in Seattle, but it's all you're getting for this post.  I did a lot of other stuff, but it's nearly 1a.m. and I'm too tired to continue. The pictures do not do the city justice, nor do they convey the amount of fun I had and how freaking great it was to get away!!