A friend asked me tonight what my resolutions are for the new year, and I struggled with this question because I've never really made them. Resolutions always just seem to be something to break, and I've never been very good about making and following through with personal goals - life always seems to get in the way and before you know it the year has passed.
But this question got me thinking about this past year. So much has changed in 2012. This time last year I was still living in my mother's house and had never lived on my own (unless you count a year and a half in the dorms). Here I am today, a homeowner! crazy. crazy. crazy. It was an overwhelming and scary adventure, but it's been so good for me on a number of levels. I've been shown favor in the roommate God provided, as I was cautioned endlessly about the dangers of living with a friend. But it has been such a blessing and I will savor these next 6 months.
I have grown exponentially this past year. Growth has not always been fun or easy, but I am so thankful for it. I'm sure in the midst of it, I would not have said I was thankful, but wanted it to be over and didn't want to deal with something uncomfortable or challenging. I could have done without my mom's suicide attempt, but God showed me his power and his mercy in literally saving her life; and he showed me his love through the amazing community that surrounded me and interceded when I could not form a coherent prayer. He continued to show his faithfulness as he pursued my mom through the journey home and she made the decision to be obedient to God's call for her to be baptized (on her birthday!). If this was all God had done this year, it would have been MORE than enough. But there are countless ways that God is revealing himself to me and I'm grateful for the moments when I've actually paused to take notice.
God is continually showing me that he is able and wants to use anything for his glory and to prove his love to me. I attempted to enter the dating world and was disappointed and hurt. The pain sucked, but I learned how to feel again; I learned the beauty of brokenness and how to seek the Lord for healing. I received a lesson in forgiveness, even though I wasn't seeking it, and I'm continually reminded of the daily decision it is to choose love over bitterness or judgment. I realized that being married is a desire of my heart even though I have prided myself on being independent and have avoided dating like the plague. God has been teaching and showing me what he truly designed marriage to be and it's a lot different than what the world wants to sell me. I look forward to the beautiful struggle of marriage, and I hope it's something God has in the works in the coming year. But if not, I will still have joy and I will still be grateful. I have been blessed with an amazing community of women. I never thought I could have such a great group of friends; that I could feel loved, challenged, understood, encouraged and supported as much as I have by these women. And so I am thankful for the disappointment of a failed dating relationship because God used it to connect me with these women and deepen these relationships.
I've come to expect that many of the things God calls us to will not be easy, but that they will be worth the challenge and the uncertainty. I've learned to sit in the mess and wait for God and trust that his plans are far better than anything I could I construe. It's difficulty, because although we long for change; it's scary. It's tempting to revert back to what's comfortable and it's easy to fall into old habits without even realizing it. But I'm thankful for friends who speak truth and provide a perspective that I can't see in the midst of the unknown. I have no idea what is in store for me in 2013, but I hope it is more growth; more love; more joy; more tests of faith; and more revelations of God's faithfulness. I hope it's a year of growing in trust in the Lord and a deeper, more intimate relationship with my Father.
