I can't seem to shake the events of the past couple days. As part of our recent series at church, we've been challenged to share "realitygrams" in which we post something real; something that shows weakness. I wasn't really sure what mine was going to be until I happened to be killing time in Nashville this past weekend. I checked my bank account and was semi-shocked to see that the balance was zero. I knew it was pretty low, but I wasn't expecting zero. This instantly became the obvious choice for my post. I haven't always been the best with money, but I had certainly prided myself on being someone who paid off her credit card bill every month and wasn't in the hole (except with mortgage and student loan debt). But in the course of the past year or so, I've racked up more money on my two credit cards and for the first time in the 8+ years that I've had a credit card, I have kept a revolving balance for months. So what, right?! As I posted it to Instagram I had a couple comments of people acknowledging that they have been in the same boat. It is the American way after all...rob Peter to pay Paul? That was always my mom's motto.
Ok, so this isn't really the part I'm struggling with.. So, on Monday as I'm getting the mail I open an envelope with my initials that has clearly been dropped off in my mailbox because there isn't any postage and inside the envelope is $400. After the initial shock and confusion wore off, I was hit with a sense of shame and unworthiness. My choices led to my bank account being on zero. I'm not broke, I just don't have any money until Friday. I don't deserve this. Someone else could benefit from this more. This is a mistake. And to be honest, I continue to struggle with these thoughts and the money remains on my dresser untouched. I can't bring myself to deposit it. Lies are running through my head that I'm a fraud or somehow deceptive in strategically posting something to receive charitable pity. None of this is me, but this is what keeps running through my head. There is shame and embarrassment and a struggle to just receive.
On the way home today I was thinking about the situation again and going back and worth in my head. Then a thought struck me challenging me on why it is so hard to receive this. Weakness is not something I show. Most people think of me as someone who appears to have it altogether, or at least that is the impression I have given off. I have prided myself on not needing other people; of being in a place of independence - part of it out of necessity and because it's difficult to unlearn. Yet, here I sit with a gift I didn't earn and don't deserve and I'm wracked with guilt and an uncomfortable level of vulnerability. As I'm contemplating all of this, I'm challenged on why it is so much more difficult to consider receiving this $400 when I have professed receiving Christ's sacrifice, which is undoubtedly bigger and even less deserved. Is it simply because I haven't truly contemplated my unworthiness of Jesus' sacrifice or I have not truly received the gift of salvation? Or is this situation with the $400 merely an opportunity to tangibly sit in this tension? I don't know. But what I do know, is that a gift isn't a gift unless it is received.
I don't quite have this all figured out, so any thoughts on the matter are welcomed. I've never been on the receiving end of anonymous gift such as this, but I didn't expect this to be my reaction. Even in posting a follow-up "realitygram" I stated something along the lines of being gifted in more ways than one with regards to not sitting in unworthiness, but here I am days later. Maybe the response is just deposit it, pay off some debt and feel inspired to be a better steward of money? Any other wisdom or insights?
