Shame meet Mercy

As I'm sitting here reading I'm struck by the story Brene shares about her own experience with shame and shame resilience. She shares about this situation in which someone posts a comment on her blog criticizing a picture of Brene being silly with her friend. Brene, through going for a walk to cool down and processing with a friend, realizes that her initial reaction to shame is to hurt back and that the courageous thing for her to do is acknowledge her hurt feelings and allow herself to cry. Her friend exclaims "oh my god! That's shame resilience, right? You're practicing courage." And Brene, God love her, is initially confused; so her friends clarifies, reminding Brene of the four elements of shame resilience: name it, talk about it, own your story, tell the story... You know, that stuff you wrote a book about?! Both start laughing and Brene thinks to herself "holy crap, it works."  

I just loved that Brene, who has spent years researching shame and vulnerability, didn't immediately recognize what was happening or even recognize that she was using the skills she identified to be effective. It's a good reminder that head knowledge doesn't automatically change us. We still have to learn ourselves and wrestle to fight shame differently. This was encouraging to me today; to see it as a process, even for a woman I'd admire who's an expert on the subject. 

Today, I had a shame moment. I failed to act in the best interest of the client - not in a serious, life-threatening way, but a missed opportunity to advocate.  The failure to show up, I think mostly stemmed more from me being caught off guard, being fixated on preparing for the next appointment, and also not believing that I brought any value or had any authority to address the situation.  It had no intended reflection on the needs or importance of that client, but resulted from my own brokenness and struggle to adapt to a new system. 

After the client left and I failed at being able to reach her, and another service coordinator processed some of her frustration on behalf of the client, the shame tapes just started rolling. "Cassie, you're not a good social worker. You don't take it personal; you're not upset enough on behalf of your client. You don't belong in this role."  And I get paranoid. I think people are talking about the situaton and evaluating my response, or lack there of.  I feel embarrassed and incompetent.  And my reaction to shame is first I want to cry, run and hide. Then I want to hustle; know all the things I need to do or say in any given situation and do it perfectly.  I have no grace for myself. I don't like the discomfort of learning and not feeling good at something. Yet I'm called to a season of embracing it and I'm brought into a culture where I can't hide from it. There's not some other arbitrary measure of success I can use to validate myself. I just have to sit in the fact that my case management skills are weak in some areas.

The reality is, I haven't ever really failed at something. I just haven't necessarily felt like I've thrived at anything. Part of which is due to not wanting to take risks for fear of failure and what that says about me.  But failure = learning, learning = growth. So, I guess it's time to start failing and learning to give myself grace in the process. 

 And so tonight I just want to keep listening to Bethel signing this song...