there's more to living than being alive.

I find it interesting to look back on old blogs and see where I was around this same time last year or a few years ago.  That is the basis for this post and the following is from roughly 3 years ago to the day.

So I originally wrote this in my actual journal, but I've realized that the main reason I even keep a journal is because a lot of it is all the things I wish I could share with someone.   So that at some point someone will read it all and understand who I really am, which is why I've decided to share it on here as well.... here it goes:

I've kinda been out of the whole Crossroads scene for a while or just not feeling like I'm getting anything out of it.  Today in service I really realized this and it almost brought me to tears.  It's like I'm waiting for my life to change and assuming that maybe I'm still too young to experience growth.  This thought is so unfounded, but I guess I've been waiting for change to just happen and I know it doesn't work that way as much as I'd like it to.  I need someone to push me; someone who won't just think I have it all figured out and that I'm content with my life because I'm not.

Sitting in service today, I was scared that social work ethics don't coincide with what Crossroads is teaching me.  I'm already concerned about whether or not I'm even going to be good in this profession.  Yet, I just keep skating by in my classes, making the grades, but am I really learning?  Sometimes I'm not so sure.  I'm scared to ask questions.  I'm scared this isn't the right fit for me and that I'm just doing this because it's what I signed on to do.  I don't ever take chances.  My life is so unbelievably predictable.  I'm beginning to hate it. 

And I've kind of convinced myself that this is the way things will always be for me.  That I'm not the kind of person who takes big risks and actually tries to figure out what is going to make me happy.  What is happy, really?  Maybe I have a distorted perception of what that is supposed to look like because of all the sappy love stories I watch.  Yes, that is a silly idea and I know that movies aren't real life, but could it be playing into my inability to be truly content for more than five minutes at a time.  Can people even be sublimely happy all the time?

Another thing.  I came to the conclusion that if I never had a serious relationship or got married that I would be completely fine as long as I still had my friends.  I think the only reason I would even seek a relationship is because all my friends were getting married and I needed someone to be there for me 24/7.  I have never been able to mix a close friendship with something romantic.  And why is that when I hear a guy likes me, it seems like a month later he has a girlfriend and he has never made any mention of his feelings towards me.  Is there something wrong with me that I've never been in love?  I mean I know it's that I'm scared [that seems to be a theme].  Why, is really beyond me.  I know my mom always said that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.  But maybe I need to know that I'm capable of being loved in order to love myself.  Is that a ridiculously absurd notion?  I don't know. 

At times I just want to throw it all on the table.  Hand my journals over and say "here, this is the mess that I call Cassie.  This is every stupid insecurity and worry that runs through my head.  Now do you understand me?  Now you know me.  Could you still love me?" 

Why do I even think that I have to keep this all in.  That's what really drives me insane is feeling like I have to figure this all out on my own, but that's not the way it's supposed to be is it?  We're supposed to be in community with one another.  This isn't a one man show.  I don't have to face life alone.  I just need the courage to admit that I don't have the answers; that there is so much in this world that I'm unsure about; that I want someone to help figure me out; to do it together.  I guess this is my first step...

I'm impressed with the amount of vulnerability I showed in this post, but I think my xanga was only being read by maybe 2 people at the time.  I remember posting the link on my myspace and as soon as people started actually clicking on it, I took it off.  I think I still struggle with some of the things I talked about, but now I'm definitely in a place of content with the decisions I have made and understanding that they serve a greater purpose even if they were difficult to make or I was uncertain about it at the time.

My church recently had a community group for singles.   We basically discussed topics that are relevant to where we are in our life and the issues we face in trying to grow spiritually and how that is impacted by being single.  I cannot begin to explain all of the deep and interesting conversations we had over the past few weeks, but I'm extremely glad I participated in it and have discovered a lot of about myself and connected with people facing some of the same struggles I am.  I may dedicate a post to my "singleness" at some point, but I will simply state that it's not an issue for me.  Being single is not an illness and people need to quit treating it like one because then the person you date does not become the solution, but merely a symptom of the problem.  Another girl from the group has started an entire blog dedicated to the topic and I'm interested to see what all she will have to say.