i need your grace to remind me to find my own

Reading through old blogs from three years ago, again.  It's interesting to see the journey I've been on and the growth I've experienced.  I'm glad I have not forgone the all-church-journey the past couple years and especially this year.  There's so much I have learned about myself.  The current journey isn't necessarily all about God, either, which I sort of like.  It makes it more relatable for those who are still unsure about what they believe.  We're bascially uncovering the lies that we, or other people, have told ourselves and the damage that it's caused.  The idea is to break FREE from those beliefs so we can live a more fulfilling and satisfying life and not be held back by fear.

Anyways, the following is regarding the Kingdrom journey, which I did not participate in and regreted, but may have still learned a few things..

I should have joined a kingdom group. So should have my mother. I think we needed it. In fact I know she needs it. I'm starting to realize how much I am like her and all the things that can annoy me about her are the same things I want to change in myself. We both have trouble saying no to people and then we get stressed out about it. We take the responsibility for things we shouldn't and blame ourselves for things beyond our control. We get in these situations and aren't happy with the way our lives are going, but then we feel as if we have no control over it; that there is nothing we can do to change it, but that we've just got to ride it out. I know this isn't true. The problem is, that we are going to offend, upset, or piss someone off in the process of trying to make ourselves happy. I guess neither of us are comfortable with that feeling. We focus so much on doing things for others that we hardly even evaluate what it is that we want. But sometimes there are promises you can't keep. You go into something with the best of intentions and then you're unable to follow through. We've got to learn that it's ok.

Today my mom said that she can give, but you doesn't like receiving from others. Service today talked about praying to God and asking him to do something for us and in return we'll do something that essentially would make us more "Christ-like." Like the only way that God would answer our prayer is if we promise to all these other things in return [i know i've prayed that way]. But service essentially made the point that God doesn't barter. Sometimes people receive grace and they may not deserve it. Sometimes God can just love on you just because. He made all these references about how we feel like we have to prepare ourselves before we are worthy of receiving. Silly examples such as getting in shape before going to the gym, washing the dishes before putting them in the dish washer, brushing your teeth before going to the dentist, etc. I mean when you think about it, doing those things really make no sense. We don't have to prepare ourselves and make ourselves a better person before receiving God. Hopefully through God's grace and receiving him we will become a better person.