life or something like it

The past couple weeks or maybe months, I have been trying to get more involved with my church and meet new people to struggle on this journey of being a Christ follower.  Ironically, this has also been my poorest attendance at actual church services.  Granted I have watched some of the videos online or listened to the audio on my ipod, but it's not the same.  I think I'm starting to resent going to service alone, so a means of avoiding the fact that I share this with no one, I just don't go.  It's really a stupid thing and never used to bother me, but I guess it has been.  The simple solution would just be to simply ask someone to go or get my mom's butt out of bed on a Sunday morning to go with me, but we both lack motivation in that department.  Even though I've been learning and growing through these community groups, my one-on-one time with God has dwindled and I need to get back in the habit.  That sounds bad to say, but that's precisely what it is.  I need to discipline myself to read the bible, to attend church, to pray and all number of things before they become second nature and I can experience the joy that comes from it.  

A relationship with God is work; hard work.  All relationships are and we're fooling ourselves to think that this one should come easy.  We're asked to choose Him over other things in our life, that we may love, but are unhealthy for us or are not helping us to grow spiritually.  Who really wants to do that? Or even admit that certain beliefs or behaviors are problematic?  I know I don't, but I know that it's important to be self-aware and obedient to the things God is telling me.  I've felt resistance from the changes that I have tried to make in my life and it gets frustrating at times to the point where I just want to give up and go back to how I was living before.  But like anything else rewarding in life, I know I need to keep at it, do what I feel is right and be gracious to people who don't understand or who dislike the change.  It's a constant struggle.

Anyways, the next part of my journey involves reinvesting myself to the 20-something community group I briefly attended in the past.  They've revamped it, new name included, and I'm excited for things to get underway.  Crossroads does not have an embeded code on their videos so they can be easily shared, so you're getting the link to the facebook page instead.

In other news: today marks the 14 year anniversary of my dad's death.  I've never understood the use of the word anniversary in that sentence since it's certainly not a date to be celebrated.  I tweeted earlier that 14 years feels like a whole other lifetime and it really does feel like he was alive in an alternate reality.  I'm such a different person, not just age-wise, since he was in my life.  It's not difficult like it was; now it's more of a fact of life: "I had a father and he took his life when I was 10. end of story."  But there are definitely still times I wonder how life would have turned out if he were still here.  Would my parents still be together? I certainly would hope that his being alive would have saved her from the crappy relationships she's endured since his death.  Would my brother still have gotten involved with drugs?  Would I be any less afraid to open my heart to a man?  Certainly this feeling of abandonment, disappointment and lack of trust in males wouldn't be such a big issue.  I don't know.  I mean I know there's no sense on thinking about the 'what if's' or the 'would haves."

Regardless, today is not something we make a big to-do about in my family.  In fact, no one has even mentioned it.  I didn't visit my father's grave, but mostly because I know it's just a resting place for his body.  I miss him, I do, but the fact is he chose this.  Sick or not, he chose this to end his pain and he's in peace.  I don't really feel happy for him on that account because it's caused enough pain for me over the years, but I guess I'm ok with it.  But enough with all that, take a look at this studly man :)  Such an 80's look.  He definitely sported the short cutoff jeans and tube socks. 

 I still miss you dad and no matter how happy I am with my life, I'll always wish you were here to share it with.