purpose for the pain..

I was having a conversation with my mom last night about all the crap that is going on lately.  After we got some good news about Zach, in his waking up, we just got hit with the next thing.  His baby cousin spiked a fever, had a seizure, and was rushed to the hospital and not expected to make it through the night.  Then the next day my brother gets in a wreck and flips his car.  Luckily for my brother, who was not wearing a seatbelt, came out with only a concussion.  Amazing how he totals his car (21k worth of damage), yet he doesn't have a scratch on him.

And while we are dealing with all of this, Japan gets hit with a giant earthquake and tsunami.  I think the death toll stands at 4,314, with at least 8,606 missing.  I'm generally not someone who watches the news, so I've only seen very little pictures and footage, and even that little bit was hard to take. I just can't imagine having not just your home, but your city completely destroyed; to be aimlessly wandering the streets in search of loved ones.  The reality of what is happening in Japan made me realize how small my pain was in comparison.  Every day there are millions of people crying out to God in their suffering.  It made me feel the weight of how small I really am in the greater scheme of things, and how big God is to be able to be there for an entire world of people.

In the midst of my eyes opening to all of this, my head was just in a dark place.  I couldn't grasp what it looked or felt like to rejoice in my sufferings as God calls us to do.  I was only seeing the hell on Earth and struggled to see what the meaning is behind it all.  Yes, I know God suffers with us in our pain and He doesn't like to see us hurting even if it's producing perseverance.  But every bit of it sucks when you're going through it.  It exhausted every part of me and it caused me to face doubts I have regarding God actually answering my prayers.  I guess I didn't feel like my specific request, even for something as serious as a life and death situation, would mean anything to God.  Basically, I didn't trust Him or was scared He wouldn't answer my prayers in the way we all desperately wanted Him to.  Even after Zach woke up, I struggled feeling joy or hope in the situation.  And maybe that's because more crap kept happening and we were faced with more uncertainty... I don't know.

Then this morning, or afternoon rather, I woke up to a quote from C.S. Lewis:

"If God thinks this state of war in the universe is a price worth paying for free will, then it is worth paying."

On Monday I was discussing The Fall and everything that changed once sin entered the world.  All of the heartache we feel is a result of sin, which is all the result of God giving us the free will to choose to love Him.  It's hard for me to see this at times or to believe that it's a price worth paying, I have to trust that God knows better than I do.  I struggle feeling like our love is worthy of the sacrifice Jesus made or can't wrap my head around the fact that God created the world and it was good, and He's essentially had to watch us tear it apart.  What pain and agony we must cause Him on a daily basis.

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this, and am honestly a little distracted by American Idol.  Dude, Scotty! There's no way that's his voice! Haha anyways... I said I was going to use this blog as a way of keeping track of and measuring my spiritual growth .  I know I have a lot more to learn and understand regarding everything I talked about above, but just wanted to share, in part, where I'm at with all of it and some of the struggles I'm having.