C.S. Lewis is a wise man.

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.

We are what we believe we are.

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

keep me abiding, so that i might bear fruit

Roughly three months ago i sent myself a letter via futureme.org regarding fear and doubt I was experiencing as I was beginning to open myself up to a new possibility. At the time my uncertainty was far different than what has come to pass, but it's interesting how my encouragement and prayer is still relevant to how things actually turned out.

I simply said:
"I don't like the uncertainty. I don't know how to comfortably walk in that and be vulnerable. But maybe that's the challenge..
Don't shut yourself off. Be honest. Allow yourself to feel. Be mad. Be frustrated. Be disappointed. Be hopeful. Feel whatever it is that you need to feel. And not just in this situation. God, guard and protect my heart."

I did/am doing all of this and NONE of it was/is easy. I've experienced joy and pain, and I've questioned the purpose of these past 3 months. At times I'm still uncertain, and I want to fast forward through all of the difficult and uncomfortable feelings/situations and bask in the Lord's redemption. But in this moment of tension I'm trying to trust that God is using this for the glory of his Kingdom. I'm trusting that there are better things in store and that God will remain faithful. I know that he has answered my prayer in guarding and protecting my heart, even though I've experienced pain; I trust that he has protected me from the devastation that it could have been.

It's tempting to want to avoid and run away from everything that I've been feeling; to numb it all. But in trusting that the Lord will soften my heart and bring me healing, I've been trying my best to allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel. And in those moments, trying to surrender it to God. It's not an easy process and it has felt like a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot wait for this ride to end; to get off; and to know that whatever twists and turns lie ahead, God has equipped me to handle them because I have seen his faithfulness and I have trusted in him.

a few glimpses of joy. lest i forget.

you are making me new

Looking back at my blog and posts I wrote over a year ago, it's such a drastic difference from the place I am today. I was experiencing some of the same anxiety, doubts and fears I feel now, but for entirely different reasons. The Lord was faithful then and He'll be faithful now.  Pruning and purging is painful and it hurts, but this past year God has taught me a lot about rejoicing in my sufferings.  On most days, I still don't like it, but I trust that it's good. I cannot wait for the Lord's redemption.

 Romans 5:1-5 "Peace and Joy" 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.