keep me abiding, so that i might bear fruit

Roughly three months ago i sent myself a letter via futureme.org regarding fear and doubt I was experiencing as I was beginning to open myself up to a new possibility. At the time my uncertainty was far different than what has come to pass, but it's interesting how my encouragement and prayer is still relevant to how things actually turned out.

I simply said:
"I don't like the uncertainty. I don't know how to comfortably walk in that and be vulnerable. But maybe that's the challenge..
Don't shut yourself off. Be honest. Allow yourself to feel. Be mad. Be frustrated. Be disappointed. Be hopeful. Feel whatever it is that you need to feel. And not just in this situation. God, guard and protect my heart."

I did/am doing all of this and NONE of it was/is easy. I've experienced joy and pain, and I've questioned the purpose of these past 3 months. At times I'm still uncertain, and I want to fast forward through all of the difficult and uncomfortable feelings/situations and bask in the Lord's redemption. But in this moment of tension I'm trying to trust that God is using this for the glory of his Kingdom. I'm trusting that there are better things in store and that God will remain faithful. I know that he has answered my prayer in guarding and protecting my heart, even though I've experienced pain; I trust that he has protected me from the devastation that it could have been.

It's tempting to want to avoid and run away from everything that I've been feeling; to numb it all. But in trusting that the Lord will soften my heart and bring me healing, I've been trying my best to allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel. And in those moments, trying to surrender it to God. It's not an easy process and it has felt like a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot wait for this ride to end; to get off; and to know that whatever twists and turns lie ahead, God has equipped me to handle them because I have seen his faithfulness and I have trusted in him.