dare to live fully right where you are

I've been reading One Thousand Gifts for what seems like forever. I don't know if it's one of those things where the timing wasn't right or I've been too distracted; but I have started this book over at least three times.

Now as I sit here beginning chapter four, I'm struck with what feels like some deep existential moment. Which is the worst time for writing because everything sounds super insightful and complex until it goes from my head and onto paper.

Here it goes anyways... The first thing that struck me in this chapter is a line "a life so full it can feel empty." And as I begin contemplating "the meaning of life," I'm struck by another line "God gives us time. And who has time for God?" Followed by a verse in Psalms "We are merely moving shadows and all our busy rushing ends in nothing" (39:6). Sometimes I think I'm severely missing the boat in living a Christian life. The chapter also raises the point that we have life everlasting, yet we often feel like we don't have enough time. And if I truly believe that this life on earth is but merely a blink of the eye in the scope of eternity, then why do I live the way I do? Why do I spend so much time worried about meeting other people's standards or stressing so much about paperwork? There's this incredible tension of being in the world but not being of the world because expectations of the world are imposed upon us around every corner. And then I'm spending all this time reading books, participating in community groups and talking things to death and all the while not feeling any closer to doing this thing right. Why is that? Is the enemy's grand plan? To try to confuse and busy us to the point of immobility? So subtle, yet so effective. I think I've read/heard it elsewhere before that the enemy's MO is keeping us from ever fully living in any given moment; and he's damn good at it too.

"From all of our beginnings, we keep reliving the Garden story" - not trusting God; thinking he's holding out on us; not believing that he's good; etc.

"We eat. And, in an instant, we are blind. No longer do we see God as one we can trust. No longer do we perceive Him as wholly good. No longer do we observe all of the remaining paradise. We eat. And, in an instant, we see. Everywhere we look, we see a world of lack, a universe of loss, a cosmos of scarcity and injustice. We are hungry. We eat. We are filled...and emptied. And still, we look at the fruit and see only the material means to fill our emptiness. We don't see the material world for what it is meant to be: as the means to communion with God.

We live a life of ingratitude. We have a choice to live a life receiving grace and abundance or the choice not to. I feel like God has been showing me more and more this week that my perspective needs to shift in order to find joy. And the beginning to that is giving thanks, first and foremost. Or as Ms. Voskamp has taught me: Eucharisteo - grace, thanksgiving, joy. She quotes a number of scripture showing how Jesus himself modeled this very discipline, giving thanks to God. I am called to live as Christ lived. And this doesn't happen over night. "I am woman who speaks but one language, the language of the fall - discontentment and self-condemnation, the critical eye and the never satisfied." Living like Christ; living eucharisteo is something that I'll have to learn and train in because everything in my flesh is wired to the contrary and the enemy will do whatever in his power to darken my perspective and harden my heart.

"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." (Philippians 4:11-12)

As I make my way through the new testament, Paul is continually someone that inspires me: redemption at its finest. And here he says twice I have LEARNED. Why do I expect everything to be so easy; to come so naturally? There is more of the Lord to discover and I'm beginning to walk in the belief that it's done so through thanksgiving... so, this is the journey I'm on.

You are Imperfect. You are wired for struggle. But you are worthy of love and belonging.

Tonight, I felt prompted to watch this video again, which is an incredible Ted Talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability.  I think this quote is a pretty good summary:

"Vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.."

Five years ago: A plea to be known and worthy of love.

I think I can relate to this woman's struggle in learning to be vulnerable more than I'd like to admit.  I mean, obviously, there's no way that I could possibly say that I don't struggle with it; this woman did six years of research proving otherwise.  I used to feel this intense longing to feel known. I mean it's the reason I ever contemplated starting a blog in the first place. Interestingly enough, I wouldn't share it with anyone. Back in the days of AIM, I'd spontaneously feel brave enough to post it in my profile, but as soon as I noticed it was getting hits, I'd remove it.  I wanted people to know me, my inner most thoughts, my insecurities, but at the same time I was intensely afraid. I wasn't confident enough in my identity to face possible rejection or disapproval from others. Even as I write this now, I question whether or not I'll post it to Facebook; this coming from a woman who is in a much different spot than the girl who wrote that journal entry (see photo). If I'm honest, there's still something scary about being exactly who I am and giving people the opportunity to either accept or reject me.

I think the beauty in the struggle of believing "I am enough," which Brown identifies as key to vulnerability, is that it's the message of the gospel.  I feel like there are a million and one verses in the Bible I could point to that describe how unworthy we are as sinners, but fully accepted, loved and perfect we are through our identity in Christ. I know this to be true, but it's still a belief I'm training in and learning to walk in more fully as I enter new seasons and new relationships. There are still moments of shame/fear/doubt where I'm afraid that I won't measure up - that i won't live up to someone's expectations, perceptions or ideal version of myself - and no longer be/feel worthy of being loved and accepted. It is only through pursuing a relationship with the Lord and an understanding of his Word that I have ever been capable of showing my true self; of not hiding behind any sort of mask or numbing vulnerability.

I'd like to say that I have it all figured out, but I don't and maybe I never will.  But I see evidence of growth. Through pursuing the Lord I have found a community that has shown me it's safe and FREEing to be exposed, raw and authentic. Yet, I'm still be confronted with situations in which it's not so easy or comfortable. But like Brown says, it's necessary.  And, so, this journey will continue...