You are Imperfect. You are wired for struggle. But you are worthy of love and belonging.

Tonight, I felt prompted to watch this video again, which is an incredible Ted Talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability.  I think this quote is a pretty good summary:

"Vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.."

Five years ago: A plea to be known and worthy of love.

I think I can relate to this woman's struggle in learning to be vulnerable more than I'd like to admit.  I mean, obviously, there's no way that I could possibly say that I don't struggle with it; this woman did six years of research proving otherwise.  I used to feel this intense longing to feel known. I mean it's the reason I ever contemplated starting a blog in the first place. Interestingly enough, I wouldn't share it with anyone. Back in the days of AIM, I'd spontaneously feel brave enough to post it in my profile, but as soon as I noticed it was getting hits, I'd remove it.  I wanted people to know me, my inner most thoughts, my insecurities, but at the same time I was intensely afraid. I wasn't confident enough in my identity to face possible rejection or disapproval from others. Even as I write this now, I question whether or not I'll post it to Facebook; this coming from a woman who is in a much different spot than the girl who wrote that journal entry (see photo). If I'm honest, there's still something scary about being exactly who I am and giving people the opportunity to either accept or reject me.

I think the beauty in the struggle of believing "I am enough," which Brown identifies as key to vulnerability, is that it's the message of the gospel.  I feel like there are a million and one verses in the Bible I could point to that describe how unworthy we are as sinners, but fully accepted, loved and perfect we are through our identity in Christ. I know this to be true, but it's still a belief I'm training in and learning to walk in more fully as I enter new seasons and new relationships. There are still moments of shame/fear/doubt where I'm afraid that I won't measure up - that i won't live up to someone's expectations, perceptions or ideal version of myself - and no longer be/feel worthy of being loved and accepted. It is only through pursuing a relationship with the Lord and an understanding of his Word that I have ever been capable of showing my true self; of not hiding behind any sort of mask or numbing vulnerability.

I'd like to say that I have it all figured out, but I don't and maybe I never will.  But I see evidence of growth. Through pursuing the Lord I have found a community that has shown me it's safe and FREEing to be exposed, raw and authentic. Yet, I'm still be confronted with situations in which it's not so easy or comfortable. But like Brown says, it's necessary.  And, so, this journey will continue...