don't let heavy hearts pile up on you

I had dinner with a friend and fellow kids club volunteer on Saturday. I needed it. He is so much farther in his spiritual journey that it's hard for me to understand how he got to that place. I feel bad when I explain what's going on with me and people automatically pinpoint my mom as the problem. Although I think, and she will admit, my mom has put me through some things that I shouldn't have to deal with. Some of it is as much my fault as it is hers because I'm of the age where I could say enough is enough.

I think that's the point where I'm at. For too long things have been on my shoulders that were never my responsibility to begin with and it has kept me from doing the things I need to do for me. At 24, I'm just now beginning to feel like I'm taking any personal direction for my life. It's challenging especially since for other people it would be easier if I just stayed the same, but it's draining me. There need to be boundaries and limitations so that I'm not getting bogged down and stressed out about things beyond my control.

I was discussing with my friend the difficulty I have in finding a community at Crossroads that I fit into. There's just so many people who attend and it seems that whatever group I join, it's inevitably people older than me and in a different place in their lives. Not to say that I can't learn something from these people, but I need to make friends who I can do life without outside of the church walls. I need relationships that are fruitful and show me what it means to be a Christ follower.

Another thing my friend said was about being intentional. If you want something, whatever it may be, you have to go after it. There needs to be a certain amount of effort in order to experience any growth or gain. For instance, I have the hardest time with prayer. I can't talk to God in my head because my thoughts become a jumbled mess and I feel like nothing is accomplished. I need to be intentional about making time to pray and for me it's going to be a matter of putting pen to paper. I'd like to think that God can take my thoughts and interpret them into a prayer, but it shouldn't be that way. If something means enough to me to ask God for guidance or comfort, then I should be able to make the time to deliver that prayer.

I realize that a lot of posts may be 'religious' based, but I know with the growth that I make in this area in my life will ultimately come growth in other areas. Right now I don't naturally go out and show grace to strangers or people who have done me wrong, but ultimately that's the place I'd like to reach.

You say I chose sadness, that it never once has chosen me. Maybe you're right.

Last night my church had a huge celebration for their volunteers. There was food, games and a service of sorts. The service was really good and uplifting in terms of encouraging everyone to continue being a "warrior" for God's Kingdom. Afterward there was a club atmosphere and dancing. I felt like I was at a high school dance in the sense that I felt completely alone and out of my element. I recognized some faces, but I only really knew 3 people there and one of them was my mother. It just sucked to feel isolated in a place that was so full of love and joy. I wasn't feeling any of it. My mom and I ended up leaving early and I was in tears before we even left the parking lot. The whole time I was there I was thinking how nice it would be if my friends were actually involved and enjoying this with me. But the reality is, I don't have friends who are building into me spiritually; who are even attending church regularly. In fact I hardly see my friends and when I do we're not having real conversations. I can't say this for everyone I call my friend, but for the most part, this is the case.

So in a way, last night was exactly like high school. Leaving me feeling like I don't have many friends who are in the same place I am and who are giving me the things I need from a relationship. My mom suggested that I get a boyfriend, and although I'm not opposed to the idea, I've never been very proactive about it. The fact that the men in my life have not been very reliable, I don't want to solve my current unhappiness with a man, who I won't consider as a stable and consistent figure in my life. She also thinks I'm depressed and wants me to go to counseling and/or try medication. I understand this is not a big deal because people all over the world take them, but I don't know, I guess I didn't want it to result to that. Depression has been a major weakness in my family, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect that I'd suffer from it. However, I thought tonight was the only time I've been sad; other times I was justified in feeling that way. Yet, my mom seems to think it's been a pretty consistent thing throughout my life. Which to most people would come as a surprise because, like my mother, I've always painted on a good face for everyone else even when I didn't realize I was doing it. So now I don't really know where I'm going from here...

procrastination will be the death of me

My schedule is crazy, hectic this quarter. I'm basically going nonstop from interning, to working, and to classes until Thursday night. I only say Thursday night because I actually get to sleep in Friday, but then I work from 2:30 til who knows when. There is no time during the week before my classes to do my assignments, which leaves them to be completed on the weekends. This, I absolutely hate! I feel like if I were putting in all the time and effort required for my classes to keep up with readings and finish assignments prior to the day they're due, I'd have no time for a life. But, alas this is the way it's going to have to be. Twice now I've been frantically throwing together a paper Wednesday morning before class. Today, I even ended up skipping my 1:00 Seminar to finish a paper that I know is half-assed and not my best work. The sad thing is, I'll likely get a decent grade on the paper. This just reinforces my procrastination because I know I can get away with it. I've taken advantage of my college and graduate education and have not invested myself. Sure, I've gotten A's, but I didn't take much to heart. The assignment I had today was for a class that I'm really enjoying, despite the fact that it goes until 9pm. So I felt like I was cheating myself by not turning in my best work. I need to get a handle on it and use weekend afternoons to do some work or not watch so many movies on Friday nights. It would be better for me to have a social life rather than reading for leisure or watching movies, and right now one of the two has to go if I'm going to take school seriously.