don't let heavy hearts pile up on you

I had dinner with a friend and fellow kids club volunteer on Saturday. I needed it. He is so much farther in his spiritual journey that it's hard for me to understand how he got to that place. I feel bad when I explain what's going on with me and people automatically pinpoint my mom as the problem. Although I think, and she will admit, my mom has put me through some things that I shouldn't have to deal with. Some of it is as much my fault as it is hers because I'm of the age where I could say enough is enough.

I think that's the point where I'm at. For too long things have been on my shoulders that were never my responsibility to begin with and it has kept me from doing the things I need to do for me. At 24, I'm just now beginning to feel like I'm taking any personal direction for my life. It's challenging especially since for other people it would be easier if I just stayed the same, but it's draining me. There need to be boundaries and limitations so that I'm not getting bogged down and stressed out about things beyond my control.

I was discussing with my friend the difficulty I have in finding a community at Crossroads that I fit into. There's just so many people who attend and it seems that whatever group I join, it's inevitably people older than me and in a different place in their lives. Not to say that I can't learn something from these people, but I need to make friends who I can do life without outside of the church walls. I need relationships that are fruitful and show me what it means to be a Christ follower.

Another thing my friend said was about being intentional. If you want something, whatever it may be, you have to go after it. There needs to be a certain amount of effort in order to experience any growth or gain. For instance, I have the hardest time with prayer. I can't talk to God in my head because my thoughts become a jumbled mess and I feel like nothing is accomplished. I need to be intentional about making time to pray and for me it's going to be a matter of putting pen to paper. I'd like to think that God can take my thoughts and interpret them into a prayer, but it shouldn't be that way. If something means enough to me to ask God for guidance or comfort, then I should be able to make the time to deliver that prayer.

I realize that a lot of posts may be 'religious' based, but I know with the growth that I make in this area in my life will ultimately come growth in other areas. Right now I don't naturally go out and show grace to strangers or people who have done me wrong, but ultimately that's the place I'd like to reach.