You say I chose sadness, that it never once has chosen me. Maybe you're right.

Last night my church had a huge celebration for their volunteers. There was food, games and a service of sorts. The service was really good and uplifting in terms of encouraging everyone to continue being a "warrior" for God's Kingdom. Afterward there was a club atmosphere and dancing. I felt like I was at a high school dance in the sense that I felt completely alone and out of my element. I recognized some faces, but I only really knew 3 people there and one of them was my mother. It just sucked to feel isolated in a place that was so full of love and joy. I wasn't feeling any of it. My mom and I ended up leaving early and I was in tears before we even left the parking lot. The whole time I was there I was thinking how nice it would be if my friends were actually involved and enjoying this with me. But the reality is, I don't have friends who are building into me spiritually; who are even attending church regularly. In fact I hardly see my friends and when I do we're not having real conversations. I can't say this for everyone I call my friend, but for the most part, this is the case.

So in a way, last night was exactly like high school. Leaving me feeling like I don't have many friends who are in the same place I am and who are giving me the things I need from a relationship. My mom suggested that I get a boyfriend, and although I'm not opposed to the idea, I've never been very proactive about it. The fact that the men in my life have not been very reliable, I don't want to solve my current unhappiness with a man, who I won't consider as a stable and consistent figure in my life. She also thinks I'm depressed and wants me to go to counseling and/or try medication. I understand this is not a big deal because people all over the world take them, but I don't know, I guess I didn't want it to result to that. Depression has been a major weakness in my family, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect that I'd suffer from it. However, I thought tonight was the only time I've been sad; other times I was justified in feeling that way. Yet, my mom seems to think it's been a pretty consistent thing throughout my life. Which to most people would come as a surprise because, like my mother, I've always painted on a good face for everyone else even when I didn't realize I was doing it. So now I don't really know where I'm going from here...