Hope renewed.

Being a therapist sometimes feels like an unrewarding job, surprising as that may sound.  You deal with parents who want you to "fix" their kids.  You see dysfunction on a daily basis.  You have limited power to make changes in the lives of your clients.  You meet opposition and resistance from kids who don't want to be here; who think they don't have any problems; who want to hold on their pain and negative behavior because they think it's the only control they have.  Or worse, parents who don't realize and refuse to believe they are both part of the problem and the solution.  You are criticized when you don't produce immediate results.  You are bombarded with paperwork that is time-consuming and draining.  You don't receive as many "thanks" and as many encouragements as you might think.  Believe it or not, not everyone wants to be helped.  Yet, that is what I'm called to do...

Today a girl I have been seeing for almost two years; who I've watch self-destruct and have felt powerless and incapable of reaching, came to session ready to finally talk about the sexual abuse she has suffered at the hand of her uncle. I find it no coincidence that it happened on Good Friday. This is The Lord fighting to redeem her and I believe she will be healed. I know that there is still a long road ahead of her, but, Father,Your word says that You will finish Your good work in us.

I bless her with the truth of this verse:

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. (Ezekiel 36:26 NLT)

Father THANK YOU for the light and the hope that you have shed today. Thank you for the heart and the skills you have given me to care for others. Thank you for the reminder of why you have called me to do this job. There is SO MUCH opposition from the enemy in this line of work, because the last thing Satan wants is for people to be freed and healed from the damage of this broken, fallen world. But, you, Father will not give up until every last sheep has been brought safely home. You bring us hope everlasting.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NIV)

with the turning of the season, we will always see the sun

A friend asked me tonight what my resolutions are for the new year, and I struggled with this question because I've never really made them.  Resolutions always just seem to be something to break, and I've never been very good about making and following through with personal goals - life always seems to get in the way and before you know it the year has passed.

But this question got me thinking about this past year.  So much has changed in 2012.  This time last year I was still living in my mother's house and had never lived on my own (unless you count a year and a half in the dorms). Here I am today, a homeowner!  crazy. crazy. crazy.  It was an overwhelming and scary adventure, but it's been so good for me on a number of levels.  I've been shown favor in the roommate God provided, as I was cautioned endlessly about the dangers of living with a friend.  But it has been such a blessing and I will savor these next 6 months.

I have grown exponentially this past year.  Growth has not always been fun or easy, but I am so thankful for it. I'm sure in the midst of it, I would not have said I was thankful, but wanted it to be over and didn't want to deal with something uncomfortable or challenging.  I could have done without my mom's suicide attempt, but God showed me his power and his mercy in literally saving her life; and he showed me his love through the amazing community that surrounded me and interceded when I could not form a coherent prayer.  He continued to show his faithfulness as he pursued my mom through the journey home and she made the decision to be obedient to God's call for her to be baptized (on her birthday!).  If this was all God had done this year, it would have been MORE than enough. But there are countless ways that God is revealing himself to me and I'm grateful for the moments when I've actually paused to take notice.

God is continually showing me that he is able and wants to use anything for his glory and to prove his love to me. I attempted to enter the dating world and was disappointed and hurt.  The pain sucked, but I learned how to feel again; I learned the beauty of brokenness and how to seek the Lord for healing.  I received a lesson in forgiveness, even though I wasn't seeking it, and I'm continually reminded of the daily decision it is to choose love over bitterness or judgment.  I realized that being married is a desire of my heart even though I have prided myself on being independent and have avoided dating like the plague. God has been teaching and showing me what he truly designed marriage to be and it's a lot different than what the world wants to sell me.  I look forward to the beautiful struggle of marriage, and I hope it's something God has in the works in the coming year.  But if not, I will still have joy and I will still be grateful. I have been blessed with an amazing community of women.  I never thought I could have such a great group of friends; that I could feel loved, challenged, understood, encouraged and supported as much as I have by these women. And so I am thankful for the disappointment of a failed dating relationship because God used it to connect me with these women and deepen these relationships.

I've come to expect that many of the things God calls us to will not be easy, but that they will be worth the challenge and the uncertainty.  I've learned to sit in the mess and wait for God and trust that his plans are far better than anything I could I construe.  It's difficulty, because although we long for change; it's scary.  It's tempting to revert back to what's comfortable and it's easy to fall into old habits without even realizing it.  But I'm thankful for friends who speak truth and provide a perspective that I can't see in the midst of the unknown.  I have no idea what is in store for me in 2013, but I hope it is more growth; more love; more joy; more tests of faith; and more revelations of God's faithfulness.  I hope it's a year of growing in trust in the Lord and a deeper, more intimate relationship with my Father.

purpose for the pain..

I was having a conversation with my mom last night about all the crap that is going on lately.  After we got some good news about Zach, in his waking up, we just got hit with the next thing.  His baby cousin spiked a fever, had a seizure, and was rushed to the hospital and not expected to make it through the night.  Then the next day my brother gets in a wreck and flips his car.  Luckily for my brother, who was not wearing a seatbelt, came out with only a concussion.  Amazing how he totals his car (21k worth of damage), yet he doesn't have a scratch on him.

And while we are dealing with all of this, Japan gets hit with a giant earthquake and tsunami.  I think the death toll stands at 4,314, with at least 8,606 missing.  I'm generally not someone who watches the news, so I've only seen very little pictures and footage, and even that little bit was hard to take. I just can't imagine having not just your home, but your city completely destroyed; to be aimlessly wandering the streets in search of loved ones.  The reality of what is happening in Japan made me realize how small my pain was in comparison.  Every day there are millions of people crying out to God in their suffering.  It made me feel the weight of how small I really am in the greater scheme of things, and how big God is to be able to be there for an entire world of people.

In the midst of my eyes opening to all of this, my head was just in a dark place.  I couldn't grasp what it looked or felt like to rejoice in my sufferings as God calls us to do.  I was only seeing the hell on Earth and struggled to see what the meaning is behind it all.  Yes, I know God suffers with us in our pain and He doesn't like to see us hurting even if it's producing perseverance.  But every bit of it sucks when you're going through it.  It exhausted every part of me and it caused me to face doubts I have regarding God actually answering my prayers.  I guess I didn't feel like my specific request, even for something as serious as a life and death situation, would mean anything to God.  Basically, I didn't trust Him or was scared He wouldn't answer my prayers in the way we all desperately wanted Him to.  Even after Zach woke up, I struggled feeling joy or hope in the situation.  And maybe that's because more crap kept happening and we were faced with more uncertainty... I don't know.

Then this morning, or afternoon rather, I woke up to a quote from C.S. Lewis:

"If God thinks this state of war in the universe is a price worth paying for free will, then it is worth paying."

On Monday I was discussing The Fall and everything that changed once sin entered the world.  All of the heartache we feel is a result of sin, which is all the result of God giving us the free will to choose to love Him.  It's hard for me to see this at times or to believe that it's a price worth paying, I have to trust that God knows better than I do.  I struggle feeling like our love is worthy of the sacrifice Jesus made or can't wrap my head around the fact that God created the world and it was good, and He's essentially had to watch us tear it apart.  What pain and agony we must cause Him on a daily basis.

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this, and am honestly a little distracted by American Idol.  Dude, Scotty! There's no way that's his voice! Haha anyways... I said I was going to use this blog as a way of keeping track of and measuring my spiritual growth .  I know I have a lot more to learn and understand regarding everything I talked about above, but just wanted to share, in part, where I'm at with all of it and some of the struggles I'm having.

when the mess dried up you came up singing

how is that that the relationships you thought were the best; the healthiest; the ones you cherished the most can end up being the most dysfunctional?

has it been that way all along?

sometimes i think we forget what it's like to be in a mutual relationship: one that consists of give and take; compromise and honesty.  we are often too busy doing most of the work to realize we're doing most of the work.  it's so easy to fall into an unhealthy pattern and not stop to realize it until we're buried underneath.

currently listening: alkaline trio

this heart will start a RIOT in me

I need to get away to a remote cabin somewhere free from all of life's distractions.
Free from technology and people.
Somewhere I can read, sleep, and contemplate life.
And simply be ALONE.
To take in the beauty of nature and all the little things I take for granted.
I need to read the Bible, period.
To pray, meditate, what-have-you...
And get my head in a good place.

Not that I can't achieve this where I live and in my everyday life.
But it's certainly easy not to.
And to get caught up in all the crap we're bombarded with on a daily basis.
That does nothing to improve quality of life.
But insist I need more of this or that to be happy.
That I need to dress a certain way; listen to a certain type of music; participate in specific hobbies in order to be a person of worth.
In this moment, I just hate it all.

there's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

As of today, it has officially been 8 weeks since Baxter first got sick.  If you remember from my initial post on Bax, the average life expectancy once the tumor has been discovered is 6-8 weeks (Baxter has an incurable tumor on his spleen, in case this is all new to you).  We've made it to this point and he has not had any relapses, in terms of becoming weak or lethargic since he first acted that way in September (knock on wood).  Our vet called the other day to see how he was doing, admittingly afraid that he had already passed away, so I take that as a good sign.

He has still been very active with our other dog, Mocha.  Mocha is only a year old and constantly wants to play, so I think it helps keep Baxter active and feeling good.  Baxter has also been milking his illness for all it's worth; enjoying his free pass to lay on the couch whenever her wishes (something that drives my stepdad insane for whatever reason).

They both love the new diet I have Baxter on.  Of course, I can't give it to one and not the other, so Mocha is now partaking in the bone and raw food diet (BARF).  I found out our local Asian Supermarket has a wider selection of meat than Kroger's, so I started shopping their yesterday.  (the following pictures may gross you out). They say you're supposed to give them a variety of meats and vegetables because continually giving them the same thing can cause allergies.  I read online about a woman who gave her dog chicken feet, which to my surprise the Asian market carried.  So, I picked up lamb, chicken feet and duck wings.

As gross as the raw meat looks, it's Baxter's favorite part of the meal.  I usually give him his cottage cheese, flax oil, vegetable combo (along with other vitamins) first and then send him outside with the meat.  He inhales it! Well, the meat anyways.

Hopefully things will continue to go as well as they have thus far.  As corny as it sounds, Baxter is part of my family and the thought of losing him is..well, something I don't want to think about.  I'm really praying he is going to be one of those miraculous cases, where he lives for several more years with the disease.

oh please tell me that you're alright

My dog, Baxter, has been unofficially diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma; a metastatic tumor, which is infected his spleen. The most common presenting signs for patients with hemangiosarcoma are associated with blood loss, such as tiring easily, episodes of unexplained weakness, pale color to the mucous membranes of the mouth and eyes, increased respiratory rates, abdominal swelling and depression.  A common estimate of the average time from discovery of the tumor until death occurs in affected dogs is six to eight weeks but death occurs more rapidly than this in a number of cases.

Baxter first started acting sick a little over 3 weeks ago.  I started giving him flax oil 3 weeks ago to the day.  He's been acting like him old self for the most part.  I have prayed over him on numerous occasions just asking God to remove this tumor because I know He has the power to do so.  And if nothing else, just don't let Baxter be in pain.  The thought of losing him breaks my heart.  Is it weird how attached we get to our pets?  I don't know, I just want to love and enjoy him as much as I can while he's still alive.

http://www.thensome.com/ginger/: This the first personal story I've found, and hopeful one, about a dog living 6.5 years AFTER her diagnosis.  They also chose not to do surgery or chemotherapy; instead altered Ginger's diet. I have been giving Baxter flax oil and cottage cheese for the past 3-4 weeks because I initially thought he had multiple myeloma and read numerous stories raving about the use of flax oil and vitamins to cure cancer.  Although, this is not the same cancer that we now believe he has, I'm still going with the hope that the flax oil will also help slow the progression of his illness.  I really need to change Baxter's diet and start giving him the vitamins.

there's more to living than being alive.

I find it interesting to look back on old blogs and see where I was around this same time last year or a few years ago.  That is the basis for this post and the following is from roughly 3 years ago to the day.

So I originally wrote this in my actual journal, but I've realized that the main reason I even keep a journal is because a lot of it is all the things I wish I could share with someone.   So that at some point someone will read it all and understand who I really am, which is why I've decided to share it on here as well.... here it goes:

I've kinda been out of the whole Crossroads scene for a while or just not feeling like I'm getting anything out of it.  Today in service I really realized this and it almost brought me to tears.  It's like I'm waiting for my life to change and assuming that maybe I'm still too young to experience growth.  This thought is so unfounded, but I guess I've been waiting for change to just happen and I know it doesn't work that way as much as I'd like it to.  I need someone to push me; someone who won't just think I have it all figured out and that I'm content with my life because I'm not.

Sitting in service today, I was scared that social work ethics don't coincide with what Crossroads is teaching me.  I'm already concerned about whether or not I'm even going to be good in this profession.  Yet, I just keep skating by in my classes, making the grades, but am I really learning?  Sometimes I'm not so sure.  I'm scared to ask questions.  I'm scared this isn't the right fit for me and that I'm just doing this because it's what I signed on to do.  I don't ever take chances.  My life is so unbelievably predictable.  I'm beginning to hate it. 

And I've kind of convinced myself that this is the way things will always be for me.  That I'm not the kind of person who takes big risks and actually tries to figure out what is going to make me happy.  What is happy, really?  Maybe I have a distorted perception of what that is supposed to look like because of all the sappy love stories I watch.  Yes, that is a silly idea and I know that movies aren't real life, but could it be playing into my inability to be truly content for more than five minutes at a time.  Can people even be sublimely happy all the time?

Another thing.  I came to the conclusion that if I never had a serious relationship or got married that I would be completely fine as long as I still had my friends.  I think the only reason I would even seek a relationship is because all my friends were getting married and I needed someone to be there for me 24/7.  I have never been able to mix a close friendship with something romantic.  And why is that when I hear a guy likes me, it seems like a month later he has a girlfriend and he has never made any mention of his feelings towards me.  Is there something wrong with me that I've never been in love?  I mean I know it's that I'm scared [that seems to be a theme].  Why, is really beyond me.  I know my mom always said that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.  But maybe I need to know that I'm capable of being loved in order to love myself.  Is that a ridiculously absurd notion?  I don't know. 

At times I just want to throw it all on the table.  Hand my journals over and say "here, this is the mess that I call Cassie.  This is every stupid insecurity and worry that runs through my head.  Now do you understand me?  Now you know me.  Could you still love me?" 

Why do I even think that I have to keep this all in.  That's what really drives me insane is feeling like I have to figure this all out on my own, but that's not the way it's supposed to be is it?  We're supposed to be in community with one another.  This isn't a one man show.  I don't have to face life alone.  I just need the courage to admit that I don't have the answers; that there is so much in this world that I'm unsure about; that I want someone to help figure me out; to do it together.  I guess this is my first step...

I'm impressed with the amount of vulnerability I showed in this post, but I think my xanga was only being read by maybe 2 people at the time.  I remember posting the link on my myspace and as soon as people started actually clicking on it, I took it off.  I think I still struggle with some of the things I talked about, but now I'm definitely in a place of content with the decisions I have made and understanding that they serve a greater purpose even if they were difficult to make or I was uncertain about it at the time.

My church recently had a community group for singles.   We basically discussed topics that are relevant to where we are in our life and the issues we face in trying to grow spiritually and how that is impacted by being single.  I cannot begin to explain all of the deep and interesting conversations we had over the past few weeks, but I'm extremely glad I participated in it and have discovered a lot of about myself and connected with people facing some of the same struggles I am.  I may dedicate a post to my "singleness" at some point, but I will simply state that it's not an issue for me.  Being single is not an illness and people need to quit treating it like one because then the person you date does not become the solution, but merely a symptom of the problem.  Another girl from the group has started an entire blog dedicated to the topic and I'm interested to see what all she will have to say.