dare to live fully right where you are

I've been reading One Thousand Gifts for what seems like forever. I don't know if it's one of those things where the timing wasn't right or I've been too distracted; but I have started this book over at least three times.

Now as I sit here beginning chapter four, I'm struck with what feels like some deep existential moment. Which is the worst time for writing because everything sounds super insightful and complex until it goes from my head and onto paper.

Here it goes anyways... The first thing that struck me in this chapter is a line "a life so full it can feel empty." And as I begin contemplating "the meaning of life," I'm struck by another line "God gives us time. And who has time for God?" Followed by a verse in Psalms "We are merely moving shadows and all our busy rushing ends in nothing" (39:6). Sometimes I think I'm severely missing the boat in living a Christian life. The chapter also raises the point that we have life everlasting, yet we often feel like we don't have enough time. And if I truly believe that this life on earth is but merely a blink of the eye in the scope of eternity, then why do I live the way I do? Why do I spend so much time worried about meeting other people's standards or stressing so much about paperwork? There's this incredible tension of being in the world but not being of the world because expectations of the world are imposed upon us around every corner. And then I'm spending all this time reading books, participating in community groups and talking things to death and all the while not feeling any closer to doing this thing right. Why is that? Is the enemy's grand plan? To try to confuse and busy us to the point of immobility? So subtle, yet so effective. I think I've read/heard it elsewhere before that the enemy's MO is keeping us from ever fully living in any given moment; and he's damn good at it too.

"From all of our beginnings, we keep reliving the Garden story" - not trusting God; thinking he's holding out on us; not believing that he's good; etc.

"We eat. And, in an instant, we are blind. No longer do we see God as one we can trust. No longer do we perceive Him as wholly good. No longer do we observe all of the remaining paradise. We eat. And, in an instant, we see. Everywhere we look, we see a world of lack, a universe of loss, a cosmos of scarcity and injustice. We are hungry. We eat. We are filled...and emptied. And still, we look at the fruit and see only the material means to fill our emptiness. We don't see the material world for what it is meant to be: as the means to communion with God.

We live a life of ingratitude. We have a choice to live a life receiving grace and abundance or the choice not to. I feel like God has been showing me more and more this week that my perspective needs to shift in order to find joy. And the beginning to that is giving thanks, first and foremost. Or as Ms. Voskamp has taught me: Eucharisteo - grace, thanksgiving, joy. She quotes a number of scripture showing how Jesus himself modeled this very discipline, giving thanks to God. I am called to live as Christ lived. And this doesn't happen over night. "I am woman who speaks but one language, the language of the fall - discontentment and self-condemnation, the critical eye and the never satisfied." Living like Christ; living eucharisteo is something that I'll have to learn and train in because everything in my flesh is wired to the contrary and the enemy will do whatever in his power to darken my perspective and harden my heart.

"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." (Philippians 4:11-12)

As I make my way through the new testament, Paul is continually someone that inspires me: redemption at its finest. And here he says twice I have LEARNED. Why do I expect everything to be so easy; to come so naturally? There is more of the Lord to discover and I'm beginning to walk in the belief that it's done so through thanksgiving... so, this is the journey I'm on.

You are Imperfect. You are wired for struggle. But you are worthy of love and belonging.

Tonight, I felt prompted to watch this video again, which is an incredible Ted Talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability.  I think this quote is a pretty good summary:

"Vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.."

Five years ago: A plea to be known and worthy of love.

I think I can relate to this woman's struggle in learning to be vulnerable more than I'd like to admit.  I mean, obviously, there's no way that I could possibly say that I don't struggle with it; this woman did six years of research proving otherwise.  I used to feel this intense longing to feel known. I mean it's the reason I ever contemplated starting a blog in the first place. Interestingly enough, I wouldn't share it with anyone. Back in the days of AIM, I'd spontaneously feel brave enough to post it in my profile, but as soon as I noticed it was getting hits, I'd remove it.  I wanted people to know me, my inner most thoughts, my insecurities, but at the same time I was intensely afraid. I wasn't confident enough in my identity to face possible rejection or disapproval from others. Even as I write this now, I question whether or not I'll post it to Facebook; this coming from a woman who is in a much different spot than the girl who wrote that journal entry (see photo). If I'm honest, there's still something scary about being exactly who I am and giving people the opportunity to either accept or reject me.

I think the beauty in the struggle of believing "I am enough," which Brown identifies as key to vulnerability, is that it's the message of the gospel.  I feel like there are a million and one verses in the Bible I could point to that describe how unworthy we are as sinners, but fully accepted, loved and perfect we are through our identity in Christ. I know this to be true, but it's still a belief I'm training in and learning to walk in more fully as I enter new seasons and new relationships. There are still moments of shame/fear/doubt where I'm afraid that I won't measure up - that i won't live up to someone's expectations, perceptions or ideal version of myself - and no longer be/feel worthy of being loved and accepted. It is only through pursuing a relationship with the Lord and an understanding of his Word that I have ever been capable of showing my true self; of not hiding behind any sort of mask or numbing vulnerability.

I'd like to say that I have it all figured out, but I don't and maybe I never will.  But I see evidence of growth. Through pursuing the Lord I have found a community that has shown me it's safe and FREEing to be exposed, raw and authentic. Yet, I'm still be confronted with situations in which it's not so easy or comfortable. But like Brown says, it's necessary.  And, so, this journey will continue...

with the turning of the season, we will always see the sun

A friend asked me tonight what my resolutions are for the new year, and I struggled with this question because I've never really made them.  Resolutions always just seem to be something to break, and I've never been very good about making and following through with personal goals - life always seems to get in the way and before you know it the year has passed.

But this question got me thinking about this past year.  So much has changed in 2012.  This time last year I was still living in my mother's house and had never lived on my own (unless you count a year and a half in the dorms). Here I am today, a homeowner!  crazy. crazy. crazy.  It was an overwhelming and scary adventure, but it's been so good for me on a number of levels.  I've been shown favor in the roommate God provided, as I was cautioned endlessly about the dangers of living with a friend.  But it has been such a blessing and I will savor these next 6 months.

I have grown exponentially this past year.  Growth has not always been fun or easy, but I am so thankful for it. I'm sure in the midst of it, I would not have said I was thankful, but wanted it to be over and didn't want to deal with something uncomfortable or challenging.  I could have done without my mom's suicide attempt, but God showed me his power and his mercy in literally saving her life; and he showed me his love through the amazing community that surrounded me and interceded when I could not form a coherent prayer.  He continued to show his faithfulness as he pursued my mom through the journey home and she made the decision to be obedient to God's call for her to be baptized (on her birthday!).  If this was all God had done this year, it would have been MORE than enough. But there are countless ways that God is revealing himself to me and I'm grateful for the moments when I've actually paused to take notice.

God is continually showing me that he is able and wants to use anything for his glory and to prove his love to me. I attempted to enter the dating world and was disappointed and hurt.  The pain sucked, but I learned how to feel again; I learned the beauty of brokenness and how to seek the Lord for healing.  I received a lesson in forgiveness, even though I wasn't seeking it, and I'm continually reminded of the daily decision it is to choose love over bitterness or judgment.  I realized that being married is a desire of my heart even though I have prided myself on being independent and have avoided dating like the plague. God has been teaching and showing me what he truly designed marriage to be and it's a lot different than what the world wants to sell me.  I look forward to the beautiful struggle of marriage, and I hope it's something God has in the works in the coming year.  But if not, I will still have joy and I will still be grateful. I have been blessed with an amazing community of women.  I never thought I could have such a great group of friends; that I could feel loved, challenged, understood, encouraged and supported as much as I have by these women. And so I am thankful for the disappointment of a failed dating relationship because God used it to connect me with these women and deepen these relationships.

I've come to expect that many of the things God calls us to will not be easy, but that they will be worth the challenge and the uncertainty.  I've learned to sit in the mess and wait for God and trust that his plans are far better than anything I could I construe.  It's difficulty, because although we long for change; it's scary.  It's tempting to revert back to what's comfortable and it's easy to fall into old habits without even realizing it.  But I'm thankful for friends who speak truth and provide a perspective that I can't see in the midst of the unknown.  I have no idea what is in store for me in 2013, but I hope it is more growth; more love; more joy; more tests of faith; and more revelations of God's faithfulness.  I hope it's a year of growing in trust in the Lord and a deeper, more intimate relationship with my Father.

letters from my former self

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 11 months and 29 days ago, on October 28, 2011. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear FutureMe,

I'm hoping in a year from now you are over this current mess with "crushes." I pray you stop having feelings for the wrong people; that passion and compatibility are qualities of the relationship you have with the man you marry. I hope you have found love in a Godly man, and if not, that you would be content in knowing the Lord's love is more than enough. I imagine you have found a home by now or at least out of yo mamma's house! Lol. I hope life has taken you to exciting and new places in the past year and that you have experienced amazing growth. I pray that you are experiencing joy and the Lord has continued to transform your heart. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful and have infinite worth. I pray that you are embracing that and sharing it with the world.

So be it.

The timing of this letter being delivered to me could not be more perfect or more relevant.  I was JUST talking about this topic with my journey group on Thursday and again with my mentor on Friday. This desire for the approval of a man through being pursued or married is something I have struggled with, even un-admittedly, for years and have experienced situation after situation in which I have become infatuated with the idea of someone (i.e. the aforementioned "crushes").  And in those situations I have put aside the truth of what the Lord wants for me in my husband and on some level I have settled.  Not settled, in that I began a relationship with these boys, but I continuously allowed my emotions to be tangled up in something unhealthy/unholy. 

I refuse for this to continue to be my story. I will trust the Lord knows the desires of my heart and he will fulfill them. I will ask HIM what are important qualities in my future husband and consider most importantly his walk with the lord. I refuse to continue to ascribe my worth or fulfillment in life to a relationship status. I will believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that is true of me regardless of any man's opinion or capability of loving me.

Memories are a hopeful kind of sad

An old friend is getting married today. It very much makes me miss the innocence of my childhood and playing manhunt on Friday nights. Having two of the best hiding spots where no one ever found me. Sarah breaking her arm during one of said games. Blooper soccer in the backyard. "Jerrod passes to Bubba. Bubba passes back" = my brother using the garage as a replacement for his partner. Sitting around the table at dinner as a family and Bubba being the only one to out-eat my father. My dad puffing his stomach up after dinner so he looked like he was pregnant. My dad being alive and happy or at least so I thought. The simplicity of being a kid. The biggest fight between my twin and I being about him calling me "fat." As much as it hurt my feelings at the time, I'd much rather be arguing and name-calling about stupid stuff then the present reality.

I guess it's just sad, that for no other reason than the passing of time, friends can be separated and walk different paths. I would have loved to be witnessing our old family friend getting married today. I even dreamed about it last night. I think part of me just longs for the past and how easy everything seems in retrospect. I miss the genuineness of his family and the person my brother used to be when they were friends. When the worst thing about my brother was his retched-smelling feet and Bubba's mom making him wash his feet before going to bed because otherwise he'd stink up the sheets.

Even though I haven't seen or spoke to Bubba in years, I know the goodness in him has not changed. It's instilled in him through his parents and I see it in his siblings. I think of Bubba and I see the path my brother should have been on; the kind of friend he needs in his life now. Most of all it makes me hope that one day my brother will be in a healthy place where it will be his marriage I will get to celebrate.

Worship.

Last night the young adult community group, Crux, had a worship service reflecting over the last 10 weeks of Story Formed Life.  Below are some of the testaments regarding this amazing journey.

• I have learned the amazing value of friendship and community. Of course, every night I learned an amazing amount about God’s word and the story, but overall, the community – living God’s word through relationship has been the most exciting thing. So often I think I can do it on my own – or I think I WANT to do it on my own. I have used this as a defense – as an excuse to not get hurt. Jesus has brought me to a beautiful place of Christ-focused fellowship. Thanks, and praise God!
• My life is not my own. Community – our purpose in the body – is to enable one another, to lift each other up, to encourage and love so we can grow in the body. The Kingdom is here.
• My identity: beautiful, redeemed, obedient, pure, holy, royalty, princess, worthy, whole, strong, humble, gifted daughter of God
• I have never realized the grace that God has for me. The Fall really made me think of my mistakes and shortcomings, but God will forgive me no matter what because he loves me so much. He continually pursues me and stands by my side. I am nothing without him. Jesus is my Lord and Savior!! And I am so thankful and blessed for that.
• The SFL has given me a whole new look at the Bible from a way I’ve never been exposed to before. I feel like for the most part I’ve been on a journey on my own as few people around me know God. I’ve believed in God for a long time, but to learn this awesome truth that speaks to my heart and my inmost being is incredible. God created the earth and it was good! That is so hard for me to fathom sometimes, but I get glimpses of that goodness despite the fallen world we live in. And I get excited for the day creation will be as it was meant to be. I get excited that I am adopted into a new family and that God has given me unlimited access to new resources and grace. I want to keep my eyes fixed on that. Knowing I am not of this world and it’s ok to feel of out place because my home is NOT here!! It’s OK I don’t have the things everyone else does – my possessions are in heaven. And when I get discouraged about my lack of ability, I can smile. Because it is in my weakness God can shine through. And he can do GREAT works through me if I let him. I want to let him! :)

life or something like it

The past couple weeks or maybe months, I have been trying to get more involved with my church and meet new people to struggle on this journey of being a Christ follower.  Ironically, this has also been my poorest attendance at actual church services.  Granted I have watched some of the videos online or listened to the audio on my ipod, but it's not the same.  I think I'm starting to resent going to service alone, so a means of avoiding the fact that I share this with no one, I just don't go.  It's really a stupid thing and never used to bother me, but I guess it has been.  The simple solution would just be to simply ask someone to go or get my mom's butt out of bed on a Sunday morning to go with me, but we both lack motivation in that department.  Even though I've been learning and growing through these community groups, my one-on-one time with God has dwindled and I need to get back in the habit.  That sounds bad to say, but that's precisely what it is.  I need to discipline myself to read the bible, to attend church, to pray and all number of things before they become second nature and I can experience the joy that comes from it.  

A relationship with God is work; hard work.  All relationships are and we're fooling ourselves to think that this one should come easy.  We're asked to choose Him over other things in our life, that we may love, but are unhealthy for us or are not helping us to grow spiritually.  Who really wants to do that? Or even admit that certain beliefs or behaviors are problematic?  I know I don't, but I know that it's important to be self-aware and obedient to the things God is telling me.  I've felt resistance from the changes that I have tried to make in my life and it gets frustrating at times to the point where I just want to give up and go back to how I was living before.  But like anything else rewarding in life, I know I need to keep at it, do what I feel is right and be gracious to people who don't understand or who dislike the change.  It's a constant struggle.

Anyways, the next part of my journey involves reinvesting myself to the 20-something community group I briefly attended in the past.  They've revamped it, new name included, and I'm excited for things to get underway.  Crossroads does not have an embeded code on their videos so they can be easily shared, so you're getting the link to the facebook page instead.

In other news: today marks the 14 year anniversary of my dad's death.  I've never understood the use of the word anniversary in that sentence since it's certainly not a date to be celebrated.  I tweeted earlier that 14 years feels like a whole other lifetime and it really does feel like he was alive in an alternate reality.  I'm such a different person, not just age-wise, since he was in my life.  It's not difficult like it was; now it's more of a fact of life: "I had a father and he took his life when I was 10. end of story."  But there are definitely still times I wonder how life would have turned out if he were still here.  Would my parents still be together? I certainly would hope that his being alive would have saved her from the crappy relationships she's endured since his death.  Would my brother still have gotten involved with drugs?  Would I be any less afraid to open my heart to a man?  Certainly this feeling of abandonment, disappointment and lack of trust in males wouldn't be such a big issue.  I don't know.  I mean I know there's no sense on thinking about the 'what if's' or the 'would haves."

Regardless, today is not something we make a big to-do about in my family.  In fact, no one has even mentioned it.  I didn't visit my father's grave, but mostly because I know it's just a resting place for his body.  I miss him, I do, but the fact is he chose this.  Sick or not, he chose this to end his pain and he's in peace.  I don't really feel happy for him on that account because it's caused enough pain for me over the years, but I guess I'm ok with it.  But enough with all that, take a look at this studly man :)  Such an 80's look.  He definitely sported the short cutoff jeans and tube socks. 

 I still miss you dad and no matter how happy I am with my life, I'll always wish you were here to share it with.