Hope renewed.

Being a therapist sometimes feels like an unrewarding job, surprising as that may sound.  You deal with parents who want you to "fix" their kids.  You see dysfunction on a daily basis.  You have limited power to make changes in the lives of your clients.  You meet opposition and resistance from kids who don't want to be here; who think they don't have any problems; who want to hold on their pain and negative behavior because they think it's the only control they have.  Or worse, parents who don't realize and refuse to believe they are both part of the problem and the solution.  You are criticized when you don't produce immediate results.  You are bombarded with paperwork that is time-consuming and draining.  You don't receive as many "thanks" and as many encouragements as you might think.  Believe it or not, not everyone wants to be helped.  Yet, that is what I'm called to do...

Today a girl I have been seeing for almost two years; who I've watch self-destruct and have felt powerless and incapable of reaching, came to session ready to finally talk about the sexual abuse she has suffered at the hand of her uncle. I find it no coincidence that it happened on Good Friday. This is The Lord fighting to redeem her and I believe she will be healed. I know that there is still a long road ahead of her, but, Father,Your word says that You will finish Your good work in us.

I bless her with the truth of this verse:

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. (Ezekiel 36:26 NLT)

Father THANK YOU for the light and the hope that you have shed today. Thank you for the heart and the skills you have given me to care for others. Thank you for the reminder of why you have called me to do this job. There is SO MUCH opposition from the enemy in this line of work, because the last thing Satan wants is for people to be freed and healed from the damage of this broken, fallen world. But, you, Father will not give up until every last sheep has been brought safely home. You bring us hope everlasting.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NIV)

with the turning of the season, we will always see the sun

A friend asked me tonight what my resolutions are for the new year, and I struggled with this question because I've never really made them.  Resolutions always just seem to be something to break, and I've never been very good about making and following through with personal goals - life always seems to get in the way and before you know it the year has passed.

But this question got me thinking about this past year.  So much has changed in 2012.  This time last year I was still living in my mother's house and had never lived on my own (unless you count a year and a half in the dorms). Here I am today, a homeowner!  crazy. crazy. crazy.  It was an overwhelming and scary adventure, but it's been so good for me on a number of levels.  I've been shown favor in the roommate God provided, as I was cautioned endlessly about the dangers of living with a friend.  But it has been such a blessing and I will savor these next 6 months.

I have grown exponentially this past year.  Growth has not always been fun or easy, but I am so thankful for it. I'm sure in the midst of it, I would not have said I was thankful, but wanted it to be over and didn't want to deal with something uncomfortable or challenging.  I could have done without my mom's suicide attempt, but God showed me his power and his mercy in literally saving her life; and he showed me his love through the amazing community that surrounded me and interceded when I could not form a coherent prayer.  He continued to show his faithfulness as he pursued my mom through the journey home and she made the decision to be obedient to God's call for her to be baptized (on her birthday!).  If this was all God had done this year, it would have been MORE than enough. But there are countless ways that God is revealing himself to me and I'm grateful for the moments when I've actually paused to take notice.

God is continually showing me that he is able and wants to use anything for his glory and to prove his love to me. I attempted to enter the dating world and was disappointed and hurt.  The pain sucked, but I learned how to feel again; I learned the beauty of brokenness and how to seek the Lord for healing.  I received a lesson in forgiveness, even though I wasn't seeking it, and I'm continually reminded of the daily decision it is to choose love over bitterness or judgment.  I realized that being married is a desire of my heart even though I have prided myself on being independent and have avoided dating like the plague. God has been teaching and showing me what he truly designed marriage to be and it's a lot different than what the world wants to sell me.  I look forward to the beautiful struggle of marriage, and I hope it's something God has in the works in the coming year.  But if not, I will still have joy and I will still be grateful. I have been blessed with an amazing community of women.  I never thought I could have such a great group of friends; that I could feel loved, challenged, understood, encouraged and supported as much as I have by these women. And so I am thankful for the disappointment of a failed dating relationship because God used it to connect me with these women and deepen these relationships.

I've come to expect that many of the things God calls us to will not be easy, but that they will be worth the challenge and the uncertainty.  I've learned to sit in the mess and wait for God and trust that his plans are far better than anything I could I construe.  It's difficulty, because although we long for change; it's scary.  It's tempting to revert back to what's comfortable and it's easy to fall into old habits without even realizing it.  But I'm thankful for friends who speak truth and provide a perspective that I can't see in the midst of the unknown.  I have no idea what is in store for me in 2013, but I hope it is more growth; more love; more joy; more tests of faith; and more revelations of God's faithfulness.  I hope it's a year of growing in trust in the Lord and a deeper, more intimate relationship with my Father.

Today, I choose praise.

Yesterday I began to post:

I feel like I'm in one of those places where I am dissatisfied with things in life. And, honestly, it's all a matter of perspective. One main area of my life I feel that is lacking and my whole attitude is off. I'm realizing lately how little my hope is in God and how much I've placed it in my vision or in others. This has continually proven to be a disappointment. As humans, we are flawed and sinful and we screw up regularly (not always purposefully, but we do)! When I put my hope in these things, I should expect to experience disappointment.

Today, my attitude is completely different. Thankfulness is state of mind.  I'm convinced it has very little to do with what we do or do not have.  It's a choice to see the tiniest of blessings and to fix your eyes on those things.  This morning I got a chance to serve a group of women at Having The Courage To Change who understood the meaning of being thankful; who knew what it meant to praise the Lord.  I saw real joy and hope as I listened to several women share their history of addiction and homelessness.  And here they are thanking God for each breath; for curtains and clean bed sheets.  When have I ever thanked God for those things?  NEVER. This is evidence of the Spirit; this is true heart change; this is true joy and hope.  How much easier it should be for me to find things to be thankful for and how easily I take for granted all that I have.  Thank you God for humbling me and showing me what an ungrateful child I can be.  And thank you for loving me in spite of that.

Waking up this morning I chose to start my day with thankfulness, as I texted many of the people that I love thanking them for their presence in my life.  It has changed my perspective going forward throughout the day and I want to continue to sing God's praises because He has been so good to me and I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  Looking through this lens, I'm able to look past disappointment and begin to rest in God's goodness. And no matter how the rest of the day pans out, this love and the joy that I felt this morning was more than enough.

boss your heart around

King David was really good at telling his heart and soul what to do. In Psalm 103 he said: "Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name" (vs. 1). I decided to follow his example. In the midst of my turmoil and troubles, I told my soul to praise the Lord. 

Now this wasn't a superficial "say your bedtime prayers" talk to my soul. No, this was a deep-down, preach it to my inmost being, "GOD IS GOOD no matter what your feelings are telling you" sermon. I bossed my heart with Truth and pulled it away from the pit by telling myself to "forget not ALL his benefits" (Ps. 103:2). 

Then I walked my heart down memory lane, reminding it of the One who:
Forgives all [my] sins and heals all [my] diseases,
who redeems [my] life from the pit
and crowns [me] with love and compassion,
who satisfies [my] desires with good things
so that [my] youth is renewed like the eagle's. (Ps. 103:3-5 NIV)

I cannot even pinpoint a reason for the way I currently feel or even a good way to describe it; other than perhaps blah, which makes the feeling even more unfounded and annoying. There's a lot unfolding around me and big changes happening in people's lives, but none of it directly involves me.  Yet, somehow I feel like I'm carrying the weight of it and feeling discouraged and angry when things are not going "our" way.  My current response is to want to isolate and escape.  I have this intense desire to hide away in a remote cabin in the woods and curl up in front of a fire with a book and just forget the world.  I think part of this desire stems from this false notion that I have to fix it all and support everyone.  I don't know...but that's all I've got for now...

Psalm 43:5, "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God!" (NLT)

letters from my former self

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 11 months and 29 days ago, on October 28, 2011. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear FutureMe,

I'm hoping in a year from now you are over this current mess with "crushes." I pray you stop having feelings for the wrong people; that passion and compatibility are qualities of the relationship you have with the man you marry. I hope you have found love in a Godly man, and if not, that you would be content in knowing the Lord's love is more than enough. I imagine you have found a home by now or at least out of yo mamma's house! Lol. I hope life has taken you to exciting and new places in the past year and that you have experienced amazing growth. I pray that you are experiencing joy and the Lord has continued to transform your heart. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful and have infinite worth. I pray that you are embracing that and sharing it with the world.

So be it.

The timing of this letter being delivered to me could not be more perfect or more relevant.  I was JUST talking about this topic with my journey group on Thursday and again with my mentor on Friday. This desire for the approval of a man through being pursued or married is something I have struggled with, even un-admittedly, for years and have experienced situation after situation in which I have become infatuated with the idea of someone (i.e. the aforementioned "crushes").  And in those situations I have put aside the truth of what the Lord wants for me in my husband and on some level I have settled.  Not settled, in that I began a relationship with these boys, but I continuously allowed my emotions to be tangled up in something unhealthy/unholy. 

I refuse for this to continue to be my story. I will trust the Lord knows the desires of my heart and he will fulfill them. I will ask HIM what are important qualities in my future husband and consider most importantly his walk with the lord. I refuse to continue to ascribe my worth or fulfillment in life to a relationship status. I will believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that is true of me regardless of any man's opinion or capability of loving me.

What I have to Offer..

Sorry Freud, but God is the author of Psychology

I love when things from my professional world collide with that of my spiritual.  Granted the two are always meant to be intermingled, but I'm not allowed to openly discuss my faith or belief with my clients.  But it's encouraging that the scientific principles and theories we utilize with our clients are not just researched/evidenced based, but also founded in Truth. The daily devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries was just an awesome reminder of that this morning.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 (NIV) 

Have you ever had the thought, "What's the use? I'm just a stuffer." Or, "What's the use? I'm a just a yeller." 

That may be partially true, but I believe there is more to it than just claiming because we act a certain way, that's the way it will always be. 

Brain research shows that every conscious thought we have is recorded on our internal hard drive known as the cerebral cortex. Each thought scratches the surface much like an Etch A Sketch. 

When we have the same thought again, the line of the original thought is deepened, causing what's called a memory trace. With each repetition the trace goes deeper and deeper, forming and embedding a pattern of thought. When an emotion is tied to this thought pattern, the memory trace grows exponentially stronger. 

We forget most of our random thoughts that are not tied to an emotion. However, we retain the ones we think often that have an emotion tied to them. For example, if we've had the thought over and over that we are "unglued," and that thought is tied to a strong emotion, we deepen the memory trace when we repeatedly access that thought. The same is true if we decide to stuff a thought—we'll perpetuate that stuffing. Or if we yell, we'll keep yelling.
We won't develop new responses until we develop new thoughts. That's why renewing our minds with new thoughts is crucial. New thoughts come from new perspectives. The Bible encourages this process, which only makes sense because God created the human mind and understands better than anyone how it functions. 

A foundational teaching of Scripture is that it is possible to be completely changed through transformed thought patterns. That's exactly the point of today's key verse, Romans 12:2.
Scripture also teaches that we can accept or refuse thoughts. Instead of being held hostage by old thought patterns, we can actually capture our thoughts and allow the power of Christ's truth to change them: 

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV) 

I don't know about you, but understanding how my brain is designed makes these verses come alive in a whole new way. Taking thoughts captive and being transformed by thinking in new ways isn't some New Age form of mind control. It's biblical, and it's fitting with how God wired our brains. 

I can't control the things that happen to me each day, but I can control how I think about them. I can say to myself, "I have a choice to have destructive thoughts or constructive thoughts right now. I can wallow in what's wrong and make things worse, or I can ask God for a better perspective to help me see good even when I don't feel good." 

Indeed, when we gain new perspectives, we can see new ways of thinking. And if we change the way we think, we'll change the ways we act and react.