#realitygram

I can't seem to shake the events of the past couple days.  As part of our recent series at church, we've been challenged to share "realitygrams" in which we post something real; something that shows weakness. I wasn't really sure what mine was going to be until I happened to be killing time in Nashville this past weekend.  I checked my bank account and was semi-shocked to see that the balance was zero.  I knew it was pretty low, but I wasn't expecting zero.  This instantly became the obvious choice for my post.  I haven't always been the best with money, but I had certainly prided myself on being someone who paid off her credit card bill every month and wasn't in the hole (except with mortgage and student loan debt).  But in the course of the past year or so, I've racked up more money on my two credit cards and for the first time in the 8+ years that I've had a credit card, I have kept a revolving balance for months. So what, right?! As I posted it to Instagram I had a couple comments of people acknowledging that they have been in the same boat.  It is the American way after all...rob Peter to pay Paul? That was always my mom's motto.

Ok, so this isn't really the part I'm struggling with.. So, on Monday as I'm getting the mail I open an envelope with my initials that has clearly been dropped off in my mailbox because there isn't any postage and inside the envelope is $400.  After the initial shock and confusion wore off, I was hit with a sense of shame and unworthiness.  My choices led to my bank account being on zero. I'm not broke, I just don't have any money until Friday. I don't deserve this. Someone else could benefit from this more. This is a mistake.  And to be honest, I continue to struggle with these thoughts and the money remains on my dresser untouched. I can't bring myself to deposit it. Lies are running through my head that I'm a fraud or somehow deceptive in strategically posting something to receive charitable pity. None of this is me, but this is what keeps running through my head. There is shame and embarrassment and a struggle to just receive.

On the way home today I was thinking about the situation again and going back and worth in my head. Then a thought struck me challenging me on why it is so hard to receive this. Weakness is not something I show. Most people think of me as someone who appears to have it altogether, or at least that is the impression I have given off.  I have prided myself on not needing other people; of being in a place of independence - part of it out of necessity and because it's difficult to unlearn. Yet, here I sit with a gift I didn't earn and don't deserve and I'm wracked with guilt and an uncomfortable level of vulnerability.  As I'm contemplating all of this, I'm challenged on why it is so much more difficult to consider receiving this $400 when I have professed receiving Christ's sacrifice, which is undoubtedly bigger and even less deserved. Is it simply because I haven't truly contemplated my unworthiness of Jesus' sacrifice or I have not truly received the gift of salvation? Or is this situation with the $400 merely an opportunity to tangibly sit in this tension?  I don't know. But what I do know, is that a gift isn't a gift unless it is received.

I don't quite have this all figured out, so any thoughts on the matter are welcomed. I've never been on the receiving end of anonymous gift such as this, but I didn't expect this to be my reaction. Even in posting a follow-up "realitygram" I stated something along the lines of being gifted in more ways than one with regards to not sitting in unworthiness, but here I am days later. Maybe the response is just deposit it, pay off some debt and feel inspired to be a better steward of money? Any other wisdom or insights?

to hell with rejection

Steven and Dora Manuel teaching on the spirit of rejection (click for mp3 of the teaching)

(the following are merely notes from the teaching with a few added anecdotes/comments)

• rejection = misplaced identity
• misplaced identity leads to idolatry (e.g. affirmation) and dismissal of the acceptance we have from God
• there is ONE place on earth where I should get my identity

The acceptance I receive from the Lord is absurd.  He has every reason to not approve of me.  He knows every little piece of me, even the things I deny or am unaware of - every bit of sin.  There will be times when the Lord does not approve of me or something I have done, but he accepts me exactly as I am.  And even in the midst of my sin and brokenness, He looks me square in the eye and says "you, I will receive."

Doorways to rejection:

• Generational - any dispossessed or ruled over people and tribes 
• In the womb - any unwanted pregnancy. Anything that happens in the womb has an impact on the spirit of that child. This is an interesting thing to think about because I was a twin, which caught my mom by surprise.  We often joke because I was smaller and born first that my twin brother hogged all the food and kicked me out first. Today we have a very strained relationship.  I'm not saying that this is the reason, but an interesting factor perhaps.
• Parent's death - when mom or dad leaves, even in death, is a rejection.  My dad died when I was 10 and he chose to take his own life. Double whammy. 
• Divorce
• Absent father
• A performance oriented home
• Silence from a loved one
• Lack of nurturing
• Condemning and criticism - I can still recall the one time my dad was frustrated in trying to fix the couch and he told me I was useless. Just interesting how something so small sticks with you.
• Idolizing any person or group
• Church hurts (religion)
• Snubs and Abandonment 
• Rebellion

We are born with a great need to be accepted.  Rejection steals the truth from us that we are accepted in the ultimate way by God our father.  Our natural inclination (from the spirit of rejection) when we are rejected is to go back to that person or situation and get more of the same: rejection loves to be rejected.  We often deal with rejection in one of two ways: either rejecting others before they can reject us, or throwing ourselves at people too quickly. 

"Rejection reminds us of our deep need to be loved, but constantly tells us that we are unlovable."

Rejection both has an unnatural craving for approval and it pushes people away. Rejection builds a wall around you so that no one can hurt you. Performance is a way to receive "acceptance" and "approval" by our actions. It can have you never express yourself to keep from being "found out," as a means of avoiding rejection, but still receiving it because we don't let people in. When we agree with rejection, we are sinning because it elevates man's acceptance of us over God's.

In every situation, I need to ask myself "where am I finding my identity right now?"

God says:

• Don't look for an anchor in a friend, spouse or parent - they will all fail you at some point.  We were made for a desire and a need for God.
• At our core we are accepted and loved. 
• Worth. Acceptance. Love. All come from God. Whatever else we get from others is just a gift.
• key verses: Luke 12:7;' John 1:11-13; Romans 8:13-21, 29; 1 John 3:1-3; Galatians 4:6-7; Ephesians 1:4-6

CONFESS: 

“I am worthy because Jesus’ blood makes me worthy. 

I am a son of God and I cannot be rejected by God. 

I am special because I was uniquely handmade by the King of Kings. 

My heavenly Father loves me so much, that He wanted me to be His child. 

I am loved so much, that a big party was thrown in heaven when I was adopted into the royal family. 

I am so special to my heavenly father that He rejoices over me with great joy. 

My heavenly Father loves me so much, that there is no sin that I could take to Him that He would not forgive. 

My Father will never leave or abandon me.”

"Though my father and mother (insert other relationship) forsake me, the Lord will receive me." - Psalm 27:10

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I think it was God's perfect timing in having my mentor introduce me to this teaching this week. I choose to believe that God is equipping me to combat the lie that I'm easy to leave/walk away from and to root my worth in my identity as a Son. There's plenty more to be said on that subject, but I'll leave it at that.  

dare to live fully right where you are

I've been reading One Thousand Gifts for what seems like forever. I don't know if it's one of those things where the timing wasn't right or I've been too distracted; but I have started this book over at least three times.

Now as I sit here beginning chapter four, I'm struck with what feels like some deep existential moment. Which is the worst time for writing because everything sounds super insightful and complex until it goes from my head and onto paper.

Here it goes anyways... The first thing that struck me in this chapter is a line "a life so full it can feel empty." And as I begin contemplating "the meaning of life," I'm struck by another line "God gives us time. And who has time for God?" Followed by a verse in Psalms "We are merely moving shadows and all our busy rushing ends in nothing" (39:6). Sometimes I think I'm severely missing the boat in living a Christian life. The chapter also raises the point that we have life everlasting, yet we often feel like we don't have enough time. And if I truly believe that this life on earth is but merely a blink of the eye in the scope of eternity, then why do I live the way I do? Why do I spend so much time worried about meeting other people's standards or stressing so much about paperwork? There's this incredible tension of being in the world but not being of the world because expectations of the world are imposed upon us around every corner. And then I'm spending all this time reading books, participating in community groups and talking things to death and all the while not feeling any closer to doing this thing right. Why is that? Is the enemy's grand plan? To try to confuse and busy us to the point of immobility? So subtle, yet so effective. I think I've read/heard it elsewhere before that the enemy's MO is keeping us from ever fully living in any given moment; and he's damn good at it too.

"From all of our beginnings, we keep reliving the Garden story" - not trusting God; thinking he's holding out on us; not believing that he's good; etc.

"We eat. And, in an instant, we are blind. No longer do we see God as one we can trust. No longer do we perceive Him as wholly good. No longer do we observe all of the remaining paradise. We eat. And, in an instant, we see. Everywhere we look, we see a world of lack, a universe of loss, a cosmos of scarcity and injustice. We are hungry. We eat. We are filled...and emptied. And still, we look at the fruit and see only the material means to fill our emptiness. We don't see the material world for what it is meant to be: as the means to communion with God.

We live a life of ingratitude. We have a choice to live a life receiving grace and abundance or the choice not to. I feel like God has been showing me more and more this week that my perspective needs to shift in order to find joy. And the beginning to that is giving thanks, first and foremost. Or as Ms. Voskamp has taught me: Eucharisteo - grace, thanksgiving, joy. She quotes a number of scripture showing how Jesus himself modeled this very discipline, giving thanks to God. I am called to live as Christ lived. And this doesn't happen over night. "I am woman who speaks but one language, the language of the fall - discontentment and self-condemnation, the critical eye and the never satisfied." Living like Christ; living eucharisteo is something that I'll have to learn and train in because everything in my flesh is wired to the contrary and the enemy will do whatever in his power to darken my perspective and harden my heart.

"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." (Philippians 4:11-12)

As I make my way through the new testament, Paul is continually someone that inspires me: redemption at its finest. And here he says twice I have LEARNED. Why do I expect everything to be so easy; to come so naturally? There is more of the Lord to discover and I'm beginning to walk in the belief that it's done so through thanksgiving... so, this is the journey I'm on.

You are Imperfect. You are wired for struggle. But you are worthy of love and belonging.

Tonight, I felt prompted to watch this video again, which is an incredible Ted Talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability.  I think this quote is a pretty good summary:

"Vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.."

Five years ago: A plea to be known and worthy of love.

I think I can relate to this woman's struggle in learning to be vulnerable more than I'd like to admit.  I mean, obviously, there's no way that I could possibly say that I don't struggle with it; this woman did six years of research proving otherwise.  I used to feel this intense longing to feel known. I mean it's the reason I ever contemplated starting a blog in the first place. Interestingly enough, I wouldn't share it with anyone. Back in the days of AIM, I'd spontaneously feel brave enough to post it in my profile, but as soon as I noticed it was getting hits, I'd remove it.  I wanted people to know me, my inner most thoughts, my insecurities, but at the same time I was intensely afraid. I wasn't confident enough in my identity to face possible rejection or disapproval from others. Even as I write this now, I question whether or not I'll post it to Facebook; this coming from a woman who is in a much different spot than the girl who wrote that journal entry (see photo). If I'm honest, there's still something scary about being exactly who I am and giving people the opportunity to either accept or reject me.

I think the beauty in the struggle of believing "I am enough," which Brown identifies as key to vulnerability, is that it's the message of the gospel.  I feel like there are a million and one verses in the Bible I could point to that describe how unworthy we are as sinners, but fully accepted, loved and perfect we are through our identity in Christ. I know this to be true, but it's still a belief I'm training in and learning to walk in more fully as I enter new seasons and new relationships. There are still moments of shame/fear/doubt where I'm afraid that I won't measure up - that i won't live up to someone's expectations, perceptions or ideal version of myself - and no longer be/feel worthy of being loved and accepted. It is only through pursuing a relationship with the Lord and an understanding of his Word that I have ever been capable of showing my true self; of not hiding behind any sort of mask or numbing vulnerability.

I'd like to say that I have it all figured out, but I don't and maybe I never will.  But I see evidence of growth. Through pursuing the Lord I have found a community that has shown me it's safe and FREEing to be exposed, raw and authentic. Yet, I'm still be confronted with situations in which it's not so easy or comfortable. But like Brown says, it's necessary.  And, so, this journey will continue...

Hope renewed.

Being a therapist sometimes feels like an unrewarding job, surprising as that may sound.  You deal with parents who want you to "fix" their kids.  You see dysfunction on a daily basis.  You have limited power to make changes in the lives of your clients.  You meet opposition and resistance from kids who don't want to be here; who think they don't have any problems; who want to hold on their pain and negative behavior because they think it's the only control they have.  Or worse, parents who don't realize and refuse to believe they are both part of the problem and the solution.  You are criticized when you don't produce immediate results.  You are bombarded with paperwork that is time-consuming and draining.  You don't receive as many "thanks" and as many encouragements as you might think.  Believe it or not, not everyone wants to be helped.  Yet, that is what I'm called to do...

Today a girl I have been seeing for almost two years; who I've watch self-destruct and have felt powerless and incapable of reaching, came to session ready to finally talk about the sexual abuse she has suffered at the hand of her uncle. I find it no coincidence that it happened on Good Friday. This is The Lord fighting to redeem her and I believe she will be healed. I know that there is still a long road ahead of her, but, Father,Your word says that You will finish Your good work in us.

I bless her with the truth of this verse:

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. (Ezekiel 36:26 NLT)

Father THANK YOU for the light and the hope that you have shed today. Thank you for the heart and the skills you have given me to care for others. Thank you for the reminder of why you have called me to do this job. There is SO MUCH opposition from the enemy in this line of work, because the last thing Satan wants is for people to be freed and healed from the damage of this broken, fallen world. But, you, Father will not give up until every last sheep has been brought safely home. You bring us hope everlasting.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NIV)

with the turning of the season, we will always see the sun

A friend asked me tonight what my resolutions are for the new year, and I struggled with this question because I've never really made them.  Resolutions always just seem to be something to break, and I've never been very good about making and following through with personal goals - life always seems to get in the way and before you know it the year has passed.

But this question got me thinking about this past year.  So much has changed in 2012.  This time last year I was still living in my mother's house and had never lived on my own (unless you count a year and a half in the dorms). Here I am today, a homeowner!  crazy. crazy. crazy.  It was an overwhelming and scary adventure, but it's been so good for me on a number of levels.  I've been shown favor in the roommate God provided, as I was cautioned endlessly about the dangers of living with a friend.  But it has been such a blessing and I will savor these next 6 months.

I have grown exponentially this past year.  Growth has not always been fun or easy, but I am so thankful for it. I'm sure in the midst of it, I would not have said I was thankful, but wanted it to be over and didn't want to deal with something uncomfortable or challenging.  I could have done without my mom's suicide attempt, but God showed me his power and his mercy in literally saving her life; and he showed me his love through the amazing community that surrounded me and interceded when I could not form a coherent prayer.  He continued to show his faithfulness as he pursued my mom through the journey home and she made the decision to be obedient to God's call for her to be baptized (on her birthday!).  If this was all God had done this year, it would have been MORE than enough. But there are countless ways that God is revealing himself to me and I'm grateful for the moments when I've actually paused to take notice.

God is continually showing me that he is able and wants to use anything for his glory and to prove his love to me. I attempted to enter the dating world and was disappointed and hurt.  The pain sucked, but I learned how to feel again; I learned the beauty of brokenness and how to seek the Lord for healing.  I received a lesson in forgiveness, even though I wasn't seeking it, and I'm continually reminded of the daily decision it is to choose love over bitterness or judgment.  I realized that being married is a desire of my heart even though I have prided myself on being independent and have avoided dating like the plague. God has been teaching and showing me what he truly designed marriage to be and it's a lot different than what the world wants to sell me.  I look forward to the beautiful struggle of marriage, and I hope it's something God has in the works in the coming year.  But if not, I will still have joy and I will still be grateful. I have been blessed with an amazing community of women.  I never thought I could have such a great group of friends; that I could feel loved, challenged, understood, encouraged and supported as much as I have by these women. And so I am thankful for the disappointment of a failed dating relationship because God used it to connect me with these women and deepen these relationships.

I've come to expect that many of the things God calls us to will not be easy, but that they will be worth the challenge and the uncertainty.  I've learned to sit in the mess and wait for God and trust that his plans are far better than anything I could I construe.  It's difficulty, because although we long for change; it's scary.  It's tempting to revert back to what's comfortable and it's easy to fall into old habits without even realizing it.  But I'm thankful for friends who speak truth and provide a perspective that I can't see in the midst of the unknown.  I have no idea what is in store for me in 2013, but I hope it is more growth; more love; more joy; more tests of faith; and more revelations of God's faithfulness.  I hope it's a year of growing in trust in the Lord and a deeper, more intimate relationship with my Father.

Today, I choose praise.

Yesterday I began to post:

I feel like I'm in one of those places where I am dissatisfied with things in life. And, honestly, it's all a matter of perspective. One main area of my life I feel that is lacking and my whole attitude is off. I'm realizing lately how little my hope is in God and how much I've placed it in my vision or in others. This has continually proven to be a disappointment. As humans, we are flawed and sinful and we screw up regularly (not always purposefully, but we do)! When I put my hope in these things, I should expect to experience disappointment.

Today, my attitude is completely different. Thankfulness is state of mind.  I'm convinced it has very little to do with what we do or do not have.  It's a choice to see the tiniest of blessings and to fix your eyes on those things.  This morning I got a chance to serve a group of women at Having The Courage To Change who understood the meaning of being thankful; who knew what it meant to praise the Lord.  I saw real joy and hope as I listened to several women share their history of addiction and homelessness.  And here they are thanking God for each breath; for curtains and clean bed sheets.  When have I ever thanked God for those things?  NEVER. This is evidence of the Spirit; this is true heart change; this is true joy and hope.  How much easier it should be for me to find things to be thankful for and how easily I take for granted all that I have.  Thank you God for humbling me and showing me what an ungrateful child I can be.  And thank you for loving me in spite of that.

Waking up this morning I chose to start my day with thankfulness, as I texted many of the people that I love thanking them for their presence in my life.  It has changed my perspective going forward throughout the day and I want to continue to sing God's praises because He has been so good to me and I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  Looking through this lens, I'm able to look past disappointment and begin to rest in God's goodness. And no matter how the rest of the day pans out, this love and the joy that I felt this morning was more than enough.